Just breath...

Run.

Run...

Run…!

That’s all I could think as I walked down the sidewalks of my street, it was dark around midnight and everything seemed hazy. I couldn’t take it anymore, those four walls make my breathing hitch and my chest sting. Everything in the world seemed so unfair like, I was just put here to be miserable. Even when everything is suppose to go good, it not and I always have to hear the same excuses.
Nothing ever seemed to go right, nothing.

I continued to walk and breath heavily, it was a tad bit cold and all I had on was a black hoodie to keep me warm. I didn’t care about the cold, all in all I didn’t care about anything… Money, food, sleep, breathing, living, dying, I cared about nothing. I couldn’t understand why, why was everything falling apart? Why can I just have a moments peace in my head… all I hear is negativity and a constant reminder of how I’m human and have so many flaws…

As I got to the park two blocks over from my house, I begin to cry, the hot tears ran down my face but I couldn’t place the emotion… was I sad…? Was I frustrated…? Was I broken? I didn’t know what to think… Sitting on the swing I cried but no sound came from my lips… I couldn’t speak… I honestly didn’t want too…

I understood how Bella felt when Edward left her and all she could do was curl into a ball… even though  so many people say they love me and are here… you’re still alone no matter what.. You have to make the choices in your life, and no1 really cares what they are because they don’t have anything to do with them, family is there but it comes with nothing short of arguments, pain, and judgment… you’re completely alone.

Holding myself and cried harder, I wanted to scream… I wanted everything to stop, time, space, all of it. I didn’t want to be selfish and reach out the one of my elder brothers cause as the way it seems, it wouldn’t do much… I’ve finally learned talking doesn’t do much… it never helps. I feel like a hole has been ripped through my chest, and my life was being sucked outta it. At night I wake up screaming, sweating, hoping things aren’t real even while I’m sleep but my dreams speak the truth…

Would I be called emo? Even though I don’t show much emotion… ? Or would it be just self pity?  I don’t want sympathy, I don’t want to be surrounded by people who pretend to care, I’ve had enough of lies, and false hope. All I want is peace, I just want to be at peace… even if I had to give up everything… my hopes, my dreams… all I want is peace.

Why does my past hunt me?

Why am I so accustomed to pain?

Breath.

Breath...

Breath...!

None of it makes sense, even if I put my whole heart into something no good ever comes of it… but if I become unemotional, who would care? Honestly?

Getting off the swing I walked into the open field and looked at the crest hazy moon, and fell to my knees, just staring at it… Tears still dropped but I didn’t feel anything… I could only thank my brother for the alcohol he supplied me previously this night… It made me not feel but my heart and soul couldn’t hide it even underneath the alcohol.

I’ll just sit here until I feel like, I need to move but for now… Let me bask under the moon light and fade into the night as the sun rises. I pulled my knees up to my face and I just stared off into the sky, even for one night please... just let me not feel I begged slightly as a breeze blew making me shiver slightly as it brushed across my wet face.

All I can do is breath... if all else fails.