It's been 3 weeks sense I've been with Hikari and Flame and well things were going good, well until I started changing. I don't know when it happened, I just went to being scared to... well not feeling anything... I dunno what could be the reason, I know I love them both without a shadow of a doubt but, I can't help but feel incomplete still.
I don't know why I feel this way, I would love to just talk and cry and beg someone to fix me but, I've done that to many times. I think its time to stand on my own two feet and work this out myself. Hikari and Flame have each other until I come back, prompt and polished. I hate to worry them but, this the only thing I can do is try to fix myself and find out how the hell I got broken.
The dreams haven't stop, no matter what/who I go to sleep thinking about someone how I end up being ravished by "him". I wake up in a cold sweat still hearing his demented laugh in my head, I haven't been horny for days, even when I got high sex wasn't on my mind but someone how when I wake up after these dreams my body comes alive in ways I never knew it would. I ussually wake up around 4ish to calm down and relax until I fall back asleep around 6, 6:30. I don't know what's going on with me.
Maybe...
Could she be trying to ruin my life... has she finally woken up to pick me apart bit by bit again.... I don't know how to control her if that's the case, how can I place her back into her eternal slumber...What if its her that craves "him" so... If its true I can't let "him" find out otherwise this is all doomed. Sitting her in the library thinking, I can only place peices together... I'm mentally exhausted. Arguing with Flame, and wanted to screams and rip my head off will do that to you.
I'm fine now, I was irritated earlier but, completely fine now. I just won't talk to him today, I really do just wanna be alone... I feel outta place in the world... I thought I had a home, but I guess as they say a house isn't a home. Sometime I think maybe I need to be held, but then I just shake my head and sigh at the fact, I feel nothing at the thought.
Maybe I'm over due on crying or something... I want to but the tears just won't come... I should take a long walk but then I'll just think more and confuse myself. No wonder I was single for so long, I'm difficult and strange... among stupid, stubborn, and to damn independent.
I love you this much I'm sure you two but...
-sigh-
What to do what to do?
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