My head...

I feel so girlish, I looked in the mirror today and I felt so unattractive. I don't feel like I can compare to girls around me. I lay here, I notice so many unattractive things about myself I can't help it I've been this way sense.... a while. I just don't feel good enough, what the hell is wrong with me? I haven't been this whacked out sense '09', I wanted to be alone, I wouldn't eat, all I did way lay there and sleep like I want to do now but there's no way I'd get away with it. I'd have everyone worried, and whatnot.

It's not like '09' where everyone was in college, and had their own shit to worry about. It's about to be spring, the season I was born in, oh god, my birthdays coming up, and I still have to draw and birthday picture for Hinote... I haven't the slightest at what to draw though... I guess the more distracted I am the less I notice (along with other people) how I'm not myself. I'm usually cheerful and bubbly, now I just speak when spoken too. I put on a front at school cause I dont' want classmates all in my shit, but that doesn't mean this "blah" feeling goes away.

I want to be happy but the negative thoughts continue to pour in and I don't know how to shake them off, last time I didn't' listen to them I got the shitty end of the stick and well here we are... I guess I'm stronger but, I still don't think I'm strong enough... I want to cry but I dunno why... I hate being a girl.

I feel hollow, I hear my heart beating and I feel the warmth of my loved ones... but do they feel mine? Can't I live again? I have to keep trying, I have too. I don't wanna be this way.

I don't..... have a clue as into what made me change so drastically.... maybe I've been pretending to long and I've exploded....

I love my babies, I do I don't want them to ever think I don't I just... There's that constant buzzing in my head that won't leave me alone... I guess my blog page is going to be my new bestfriend...

I want to just fall asleep but my body hates me with a passion... I'm currently on IM with Hinote & Hikari and well I don't have much to say, I've only said a sentence if that. I'll let them talk I'll continue to listen to InuYasha and type these words.

Until my next big splurge of what this is, I bid you farewell.