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Walking death...

Life has been sucked out of my still living body, I walk the streets cold and distant... Life seems so much more meaningless if you don't have a purpose... School and my education I'll continue, but other things like friends, family, love, happiness... seems real irrelevant to life to me. I have upside to me being alone... So many upsides.

I won't have to hear I'm a fuck up all the times, or have to deal with being "roasted" just for the simple fact I'm around and its fun to everyone when I'm clearly out of whatevers going on. Quit is alovely thing to me right now, I won't even talk on the phone anymore.. All I do is text...

 Hikari's been here for me through this rough time but, I feel like when she gets back home around Hinote... It'll stop which is why I'm not getting attached to the feeling... I never get to keep it for long... Sitting here in my room with nothing but darkness surrounding me I sigh... I forgot Hinote has my Xbox... I'll just send someone after it... I don't wanna be anywhere near his aura, house, body, mind, belongings, non of it.

I kinda envy Hikari... She's in passionate love... I remember what that felt like... but Hinote isn't going anywhere like mine did... She can believe in marriage, happiness, children, all of it....

I flip back and forth like cards... I'm no longer who I use to be...

I haven't even been able to RP or write... I feel in a slump.. everything consists of love and I being honest just wanna run away from the folly emotion... It brings nothing but pain... weither be a lover or family....

Anyone you love can and will hurt you... that's a promise.

The end of the road.

I've never been one to just give up so easily, no matter what I've said but as I write this I wish the life would just be sucked from my body... Life is so hard to handle. With parents thinking less of you than someone who hated you would, to realize you're alone in the world no matter how many people are by your side.... all of it is unbearable...

I'm just leaving, I don't know where I end up but when I get there I hope I find peace... All I want is peace...Love....happiness... a good life... its all a fairy tail... Tonight was the icing on the cake for me.

If I make it back I hope I've found peace... but if I don't I hope everyone of your dreams come true and you hold every little peice of happiness in your hands.... I guess I'm not strong enough for this road...

I'm sorry for my weakness.

I love you all.

I can't stop listening to it.

Hinote... was the one that showed me this.... Romeo X Juliet...Kingdom hearts, Final Fantasy X, Naruto.

Goodbye my loves.

I now have to say farewell to you, my loves, my darlings. It's only right, for more reasons than one.

I wish you both happiness.

Funny what you can find online.

Just a picture to go with the last blog =3

My VERY last blog

So, this is my last blog I won't be using this anymore.


I hate this, I hate all of this. As I came to read this blog, I noticed that my "girlfriend" posted one her self, and what stood out to me was "I'm in bliss with Hinote." Ha, that's nothing knew. You only see the eyes of the one you love more than anything. I don't know what to do anymore, I don't even wanna hold this relationship in my hands. I just wanna lay here like I'm doing, and not move. I don't feel much of anything right now, I guess this is how I've always been until someone promised they'd rebuild me.

I've said it before and I'll say it again,

As much as you say you both love me, its not equal... The relationship is not equal....

I should of just continued with my first mind and stayed broken, all I wanted was the warmth of someones hand whom loved me, all I can do is live in a dream world and pretend I have that, like I'm in an anime. Hinote has my dream guy anime qualities, but I guess with those comes other anime things, like a 3-way relationship I'd never thought would happen. I sit here and wonder what I can do, or if its really me that's the problem...

Hikari listens and cares for me, but the feeling aren't the same as mine I guess, I once told DF I'd die from them in a heartbeat, and I still mean that but would they do the same?

Hinote says he would and I believe him I guess, but Hikari...?

-shrugs-

Another question, that will never be answered.

I don't know what to do anymore, nor can I try to do anything cause all I do falls to shit... this isn't fair... all I want is my happy ending. School isn't going well, I'm failing my Japanese class, I withdrew from my computer class, and well Math I guess is going fine. I just gotta do some last minute homework assignments and turn them in.

The more I live and grow up, the more I wish I wouldn't have too. What's more depressing is my birthday is in a month and 2 weeks, yay me.

-sigh-

I give up, I truly do.

Whatever happens after this, will happen. I'm not giving any back stories as to why if anyone asks, I'll answer your question brief and clear.


Goodbye Blogspot...

Good ol' love.

I mean, I know I'm a horrible person I guess you could say. Even though, I don't talk shit, make people feel bad, hurt, or abuse people I know I'm not the greatest human in the world. I lie, I bullshit, and other stuff. I guess deep down inside I just wanna be accept more than I should be. It's a hard life, and all I want is for it to be better for myself and the people around me. I isolate myself sometimes just because I have to get use to my greatest fear, being alone. It's coming and its coming soon.

Another argument with Hinote, I'm not going to give detail all I know is some kinda way I fucked you (again). I guess our love wasn't strong enough or it fell through on one of our parts. All I can do is lay here, and sigh thinking how much I tried and wanted it to work. I dropped all my requirements for my next relationship for him, just because I though....

It doesn't matter what I thought, all I know is its hitting rock bottom very quickly.

To Hikari,

I've loved you sense 7th grade and that love hasn't died even though you don't love me as much as I love you. You irritate me, and all the things a lover can do but I could never grow to hate you, I appreciate you trying with me in this relationship I do more than you know. I've realized that you can't love anyone as much as you love Hinote and that's ok, I knew that stepping into this relationship. I just thought maybe, .... I don't know what I though. I thought maybe you two could be happy again and it could be like the old days. I guess, I was wrong. You've changed, I've changed, and he's changed. Undoubtedly though, you two are a perfect match, if this relationship ends soon I want you two to stay together, don't worry about myself I've made a way before and I'll do it again.

I love you Hikari-chan,

Love, Snowflake.

When I started writing this blog a week and a half ago I never imagined that I'd be this hard to let it all go. Hinote, Hikari, and I broke up and well until something else comes my way and I doubt it will I'm alone. I knew it would come, its just hard to grasp it all. I already know Hinote and I won' talk much anymore, as much as I hate it I'm kinda glad, you can't be friends with someone you still care about.

I wish things were different but sadly, I find myself wishing that alot. I'm thinking of picking up a smoking weed habit like chronically, I don't wanna be in reality no more than I have to be. Schools out, Hikari's coming home soon and well soon enough those two will be like they've always been.

I know how Hikari feels, but Hinote I guess I'm not meant to know. He's been giving me one word texts all day, and mostly getting high I assume. Hikari's at a crossroad but I know she'll be fine cause in the end she has him. This room will be my domain for a while, I don't want anything to do with the outside world. I'm not ready to get back into he game like I had to after Brandon, I want to some time to myself.

I love those two very much still but honestly, I know that not going to anything but make this worse.

I know I don't need anyone to make me happy, but I hate being alone and not knowing what having someone really means. I've never been on a date, or meet the parents, or just cuddled and played video games, I've never had someone to myself. I'm honestly tired and done with looking, I'm not meant to know is the conclusion my heads come to. Love is so overrated, and it complicates so much, I wish I was still a kid worried about when Sailor Moon, and Pokemon new episode was coming out.

Sadly I'm not.

Sex is out the question, no more. Until I don't know when it'll be a WHILE. When Hikari comes home I know I'm avoiding those two like the plague, as far as m birthday goes. I just hope it doesn't come, Martell saves me most of the time on that day but this year I refuse to go out and be the only one alone while everyone has somebody I'd rather spend my 19th birthday at home. Well this is only day one, but until however long I'll be in this spot watching TV, writing, reading, or sleeping until I feel like I can deal with the bullshit of the world again. I really wish I had a puppy, at least I know I'd have him through this time period.

Today's events so far.

I haven't slept, I'm not hungry to eat anything. Hikari-chan's sick, and I've talked to her once, I'd prefer not to talk to Hinote for more reason than one, and I'm bored outta my mind. I'm about to head to my Onii-san's (Wills house) just to chill.

I'm hoping I can get some money to smoke, that'd be great.

My darkest dream yet.

I awoke in a large bedroom, a fireplace going, a large canopy bed posted against a wall as black sheer curtain hung over reviling the most beautiful bed I've seen. Walking around I saw my self gasping at the design, walking over I was lured to the bed. I sat down rubbing the sheets between my fingers. I notice my attire had changed, I was now wearing a black gown that came to my knees. I could feel something surrounding me, touching my neck, and shoulder it was a light touch. I shook it off, thinking it was just me being paranoid as I looked at my surroundings.

In an instant I blinked.

There was a visible shadow showing in front of the bed, the fire from the fireplace burning within his belly. It didn't move, it just stood there, I was to afraid to move all I could do was stare at it. It chuckled at my expression I'm guessing.

"After so many of these I thought you'd be use to this." He spoke, I shook my head in horror I looked around for an opening I could hear him laugh hard almost throwing his head back. I moved back to the head board, he inched closer to me. "Do insult me child, you were there Tuesday... You've made our bound so much stronger."

He grinned, and continued inching toward me. I pulled my legs up to my face and starting crying, I didn't know what to do at this point all I knew was I was done for once he got to me.
I felt my heart race, my mind was going blank. He was setting me on fire and he knew he was, unfortunately he had this control over me.

I winced at his touch.

He smirked and pinned my body down, his body turning more, and more hollow. I could feel his tainted tongue on my body, his hands touching me in places no1 should go unless giving permission. I cried out begging him to stop, and he laughed at me as he continued, his rough tongue racking down my body, it tingled my skin like the light stroke of a knife.

"You still don't get it? The more I do this, the more she craves me. I don't do this just to torture you pup." He paused to run up to my ear. "By your birthday, I plan to make you comprised of nothing but evil and negative emotion.."

I shook my head and pushed him off, with all my strength. I opened the bedroom door running out, I stopped in my tracks as beasts, and shadows wondered the hall. I was so afraid, I was shaking.

Where did I have to run to now?

He appeared behind me, his arms around my waist. He ruffled my hair, a grin planted on his canine face, his sharp fangs showing.

"I can see why "he" keep you around. You'll full of entertainment, loyal, a good friend, and feisty..." He paused levitating me in the air, guiding me to the bed. Blood was now pouring out my neck and the spots his tongue touched. "Another reason why, my little girl is in there, and will remain. I thought about it, you two will remain tainted by us until your old and can't use your limbs. We'll hunt you until death, and I'll decide that."

I screamed, I could feel him insert inside me. I screamed shaking and trying to move away. It hurt so bad, I just wanted him to stop but he didn't he continued laughing, louder and louder. I could feel myself becoming numb from the pain, and for some odd reason I could feel myself near climax.

'N-no, please n-no.'

I thought, he looked into my eyes with his blazing red ones, and purred his fangs right at my jugular vain.

"Welcome to the rest of you nature life with me, and I'm sure you'll call it..." He paused to run his tongue over my neck my climax shockingly close. "Hell." he bit into me, and I screamed my body jolting forward.

I woke up screaming, in tears....


(If you read this, I wanted to see if I could still write a Dark Fic lol I dunno if I still got it >.>)

The story of my life.

As I sit her I contemplate my life and all that comes with it, family, school, friends, and well relationships. Family will always be family although the only family I really have is my dad, my aunt, my grandma, my nephew, and my sister. The others really don't feel like family and blood, looking back I notice this all I've known and will know. I wish I knew what it was like to have your birth mother care for you and love you like you deserve, and I guess this is why I never really know what deserve in my life. People keep telling me I settle in more ways than one, and well how can I not when I don't know how to do anything else but settle? All my relationships I carried the same epic fail and I honestly don't think anything will change everyone says you have one soul mate out there, but honestly I don't believe in that bullshit.

Being in grades 1-5 and every parents day, or special event your alone. No1 bothers to come see you in your plays, or watch you sing in a play you've worked you hardest one. How you get good grades and someone how it was just expected. For years I didn't know who my real mother was until I was 12, this was only because I was forced to leave and go to Ohio because the man she married wanted to run away from his old life, false promises and gestures were made and I was treated like she didn't want me to be alive. I found myself hating myself more and more as I grew up, if your own mother doesn't want you around who else will? When I was sick and couldn't do anything for myself, I barely ate or got meds I needed. My step dad would do it but secretly I just assumed he felt sorry for me cause he knew what he did. My sister and brothers were never around, they were off living there lives so basically from the time I got outta school which was 2pm, tell 7pm I was alone, and even when someone was home I still in the corner by myself. This is where I picked up my reading habit, I always wanted to be the girl in the book to have some prince charming come rescue her from all her worries.

I never got that, and I'll probably never come close to it.

After I couldnt' stand it anymore, and I cried and pleaded for my mom to let me come back to Michigan the only home I've known, she did, once again after I learned because she found out her husband was cheating on her. I returned home, but by this time I was an already broken child, nothing held my interests, nothing made me happy I just felt low and scum. My aunt tried to make things better but, after realizing your own mother, the women that birthed you and always SHOULD be there wasn't I just thought no1 cared. I was just a burden on the world, and I weighed heavy on anyone that got close to me. I stayed away from people, and friend but always kept a plastic smile on my face so I wouldn't hear the same ol question, "What's wrong?" because I knew they didn't care its elementary/middle school who honestly gives a fuck about your problems. After she left him in 2003 she moved to South Carolina, and I just recently say her, last year after 6 years.

One hell of a weekend, she played like we've been seeing each other every weekend, and pissed me the fuck off several time. Thanks to Jordan, Kris, Flame, Martell and Porchia I made it through that difficult time.

I met my first love in middle school, god I loved that girl but even though I knew it was wrong to love a girl I didn't care, and still don't. She was the ONLY one that cared about me, and how I felt. No1 listened, no knew the pain in my heart except her. She was the only reason I could smile for real, up until things hit a rocky point. She cheated, and I honestly don't blame her, why love a girl so much when you can care for a guy that has more that another girl can give you. She had no experience in relationships with guys, but neither did I, in the end of 10th grade I had to let her go. She was no longer mine, and I can't hold on to a free spirit it just isn't right.

Soon after I dated my first boyfriend,

-_______-;

Teenage stupidity one would say, that was my first BIG mistake but I learned from it or I thought I did until my soul crushing love came about. Brandon Kelly, boy oh boy was he perfect when I met him, everything I had dreamed of in a man up until well, his true colors showed and I was so in love and foolish I put up with any and everything he did. He was one of those people I spoke about before who didn't give a fuck about you, but pretended he did for some sick reason or another. It broke my heart (literally) but I left him go, and now he's happy and so is his "wife" Teya. I was bitter for a while but, I got over it and I'm really happy for her & him they have true love and well I wish them the best.

So many years of bottled up pain, and anger is releasing itself and I don't know what to do with myself. I have dreams about death, and blood and most of the time I'm causing it. It just sucks to be the one that gets the short end of the stick, I know my girlfriend & boyfriend care about me but in the back of my head I somehow know this isn't going to work. Things like this never work for me, and when I know its going to come to an end it does in the most grotesque way. I just waiting for something to happen where I'm heartbroken, but the fun part about this is I'm use to it, its just going to be a pain my chest a harsh week of sleep and then I go back to being cold and quite.

I know its morbid to think that way but, like I said its all I know how to do. Hinote tried to teach me to be positive but his efforts were broken by a harsh reality. He tried to care for me, and stuff, but he hurt me too a couple of times and still tell this day don't realize it. I'm not bitter, its human nature I guess. I looked up to him he was so special to me, and well it hurt, it kinda broke me from the world for someone to say they care for you but, your not attractive or pretty enough until they notice it, but it was to late I was tired of chasing something that would never be with me, or whatnot.


Out of all honesty though, I wanted them happy but he couldn't decided how to make us happy because we both wanted him, and apparently I fucked up so many times he started loving her so much more than before. I'm ok with that, those two are made for one another they way they talk, walk, and speak its a perfect match. However, I dunno where I stand with this soul matching, I love him with all I am but I don't fit in some ways or another. He hates it when I say I don't belong with them or I make an insinuation but I can't help how I feel now can I?

Even if they left me today somehow I know they'd be happy with one another, I've seen it before... It would hurt him for me not to be around and I'm not saying I wont' be if it comes to that all I'm saying is maybe, just maybe I meant to stand alone. I see happy everyday, as well as depressed but I'm not either right now I'm living, or would I be exsisting?

I'm not.... sure.

I know we won't be able to marry or anything like, after my last relationship I detest the thought of marriage and kids, not to mention after my mothers treatment I don't want my kids to grow up the way I did no parents, no love, no anything. Noticing how things are now, I look back and it still hurts but as I get older it hurts less & less because I don't think about it often. Even now I tear up, and the thought of a wedding knowing my mom won't be there and my dad can't give me away well just for the simple fact I was never his "little girl" to give away I was always a burden until he realized at some point he'd need me.

School....

Eh.

Becoming a nurse is going to be hard but I'm ready for the fight, I just really need to buckle down and offense it. School's ok, accept my Japanese class I found out today I'm failing with flying colors. So I mean, I'm keep studying my but off but I know if I fail I'm going to have to hear how I didn't do my best and I stayed in the street, and blah, blah, blah. Financial aid, and you can't keep you insurgence if your not in school, so much pressure from childhood abandonment perks.

-_____-

Well, what more can I say? Just writing what's on my mind.

Sometime I wish I was Sookie Stackhouse, at least she has a cool power like mind reading. I'm just a mentally broken girl, who tries to make everyone happy but herself because she doesn't know how too, nor does she want it snatched away again over something dumb so she just pushes forward and, using drugs like weed to make life worth living, I don't need it true, I'm not addicted to it also true but it does make me smile and everything is good just for a little while, but I don't like using it to hid my pain its just an escape that only last for so long and wears into your pockets.

I guess, not I'll go to sleep. I need it haven't really had good sleep, lastnight was the only time and it wasn't enough btw don't call me emo, I'm nothing of the sort everyone has there moments and this isn't one of them its me reflecting and thinking.

Well, naptime blogspot, until we meet again.

Just a tragedy- (Just a dream)

Here I sit with things in my mind racing like a heard of animals, All these things seems so outta place like my mind is in a different realm, how can I determine what to do if my mind won't focus on anything else but all this negativity and pointlessness. Longing to be free from my mind burden of despair and sanity's constant hunger I plunder into the darkest realm looking on by vicious creatures that await my insanity to over take.

It's such a tragedy

My voice is lost in these shadows as I whine to myself hoping, and concentrating on the slight prayer I make pleading for someone to make it all go away. My vision is watered with my own sweat and blood, the constant reminder of my every day struggle to remain myself. Continuing to feel like my own soul is being ripped form my chest I past these beasts wondering why are they just starting at me, in the distance I see a larger one reaching out his hand to me his eyes are low and bleeding into mine literally. I stop, or I think I stop but my body glides through all of these drooling hungry beasts.

I get there he pulls me close, one side of me feels like I need to scream and beg for help and the other longs for him, needs him, what do I do? Staring deep into my eyes his beast from take another shape a shadow one would say, and all the others disappears into darkness. He mounts me, claims me, marks me in was I never thought to ever think of, his demonic grins plastered on his face as he continues to make me beg for a shard of light to be bestowed on me. When its all said and done, and I can't do anything but cry blood dripping from my eye lids, I head his voice in my ear.

"No matter where you run, no matter where you hid, this belongs to me. I'll be damned again if I let anything touch what is mine."

& before I speak, he bites into me my body jolts but no sound comes out, all I can see is my vision fading away, my breathing hitches and I feel my soul become fire itself. I'm burning from the inside out and all I hear is his evil chuckle and he speaks again, "Let your pure soul be tarnish and join me, my child... Join me and be mine, and mine alone..."

After I feel his finger inter my mouth tasting his forbidden blood I scream....

-sigh-

Today was a good day... but why do I wanna cry?