Good ol' love.

I mean, I know I'm a horrible person I guess you could say. Even though, I don't talk shit, make people feel bad, hurt, or abuse people I know I'm not the greatest human in the world. I lie, I bullshit, and other stuff. I guess deep down inside I just wanna be accept more than I should be. It's a hard life, and all I want is for it to be better for myself and the people around me. I isolate myself sometimes just because I have to get use to my greatest fear, being alone. It's coming and its coming soon.

Another argument with Hinote, I'm not going to give detail all I know is some kinda way I fucked you (again). I guess our love wasn't strong enough or it fell through on one of our parts. All I can do is lay here, and sigh thinking how much I tried and wanted it to work. I dropped all my requirements for my next relationship for him, just because I though....

It doesn't matter what I thought, all I know is its hitting rock bottom very quickly.

To Hikari,

I've loved you sense 7th grade and that love hasn't died even though you don't love me as much as I love you. You irritate me, and all the things a lover can do but I could never grow to hate you, I appreciate you trying with me in this relationship I do more than you know. I've realized that you can't love anyone as much as you love Hinote and that's ok, I knew that stepping into this relationship. I just thought maybe, .... I don't know what I though. I thought maybe you two could be happy again and it could be like the old days. I guess, I was wrong. You've changed, I've changed, and he's changed. Undoubtedly though, you two are a perfect match, if this relationship ends soon I want you two to stay together, don't worry about myself I've made a way before and I'll do it again.

I love you Hikari-chan,

Love, Snowflake.

When I started writing this blog a week and a half ago I never imagined that I'd be this hard to let it all go. Hinote, Hikari, and I broke up and well until something else comes my way and I doubt it will I'm alone. I knew it would come, its just hard to grasp it all. I already know Hinote and I won' talk much anymore, as much as I hate it I'm kinda glad, you can't be friends with someone you still care about.

I wish things were different but sadly, I find myself wishing that alot. I'm thinking of picking up a smoking weed habit like chronically, I don't wanna be in reality no more than I have to be. Schools out, Hikari's coming home soon and well soon enough those two will be like they've always been.

I know how Hikari feels, but Hinote I guess I'm not meant to know. He's been giving me one word texts all day, and mostly getting high I assume. Hikari's at a crossroad but I know she'll be fine cause in the end she has him. This room will be my domain for a while, I don't want anything to do with the outside world. I'm not ready to get back into he game like I had to after Brandon, I want to some time to myself.

I love those two very much still but honestly, I know that not going to anything but make this worse.

I know I don't need anyone to make me happy, but I hate being alone and not knowing what having someone really means. I've never been on a date, or meet the parents, or just cuddled and played video games, I've never had someone to myself. I'm honestly tired and done with looking, I'm not meant to know is the conclusion my heads come to. Love is so overrated, and it complicates so much, I wish I was still a kid worried about when Sailor Moon, and Pokemon new episode was coming out.

Sadly I'm not.

Sex is out the question, no more. Until I don't know when it'll be a WHILE. When Hikari comes home I know I'm avoiding those two like the plague, as far as m birthday goes. I just hope it doesn't come, Martell saves me most of the time on that day but this year I refuse to go out and be the only one alone while everyone has somebody I'd rather spend my 19th birthday at home. Well this is only day one, but until however long I'll be in this spot watching TV, writing, reading, or sleeping until I feel like I can deal with the bullshit of the world again. I really wish I had a puppy, at least I know I'd have him through this time period.