As I sit her I contemplate my life and all that comes with it, family, school, friends, and well relationships. Family will always be family although the only family I really have is my dad, my aunt, my grandma, my nephew, and my sister. The others really don't feel like family and blood, looking back I notice this all I've known and will know. I wish I knew what it was like to have your birth mother care for you and love you like you deserve, and I guess this is why I never really know what deserve in my life. People keep telling me I settle in more ways than one, and well how can I not when I don't know how to do anything else but settle? All my relationships I carried the same epic fail and I honestly don't think anything will change everyone says you have one soul mate out there, but honestly I don't believe in that bullshit.
Being in grades 1-5 and every parents day, or special event your alone. No1 bothers to come see you in your plays, or watch you sing in a play you've worked you hardest one. How you get good grades and someone how it was just expected. For years I didn't know who my real mother was until I was 12, this was only because I was forced to leave and go to Ohio because the man she married wanted to run away from his old life, false promises and gestures were made and I was treated like she didn't want me to be alive. I found myself hating myself more and more as I grew up, if your own mother doesn't want you around who else will? When I was sick and couldn't do anything for myself, I barely ate or got meds I needed. My step dad would do it but secretly I just assumed he felt sorry for me cause he knew what he did. My sister and brothers were never around, they were off living there lives so basically from the time I got outta school which was 2pm, tell 7pm I was alone, and even when someone was home I still in the corner by myself. This is where I picked up my reading habit, I always wanted to be the girl in the book to have some prince charming come rescue her from all her worries.
I never got that, and I'll probably never come close to it.
After I couldnt' stand it anymore, and I cried and pleaded for my mom to let me come back to Michigan the only home I've known, she did, once again after I learned because she found out her husband was cheating on her. I returned home, but by this time I was an already broken child, nothing held my interests, nothing made me happy I just felt low and scum. My aunt tried to make things better but, after realizing your own mother, the women that birthed you and always SHOULD be there wasn't I just thought no1 cared. I was just a burden on the world, and I weighed heavy on anyone that got close to me. I stayed away from people, and friend but always kept a plastic smile on my face so I wouldn't hear the same ol question, "What's wrong?" because I knew they didn't care its elementary/middle school who honestly gives a fuck about your problems. After she left him in 2003 she moved to South Carolina, and I just recently say her, last year after 6 years.
One hell of a weekend, she played like we've been seeing each other every weekend, and pissed me the fuck off several time. Thanks to Jordan, Kris, Flame, Martell and Porchia I made it through that difficult time.
I met my first love in middle school, god I loved that girl but even though I knew it was wrong to love a girl I didn't care, and still don't. She was the ONLY one that cared about me, and how I felt. No1 listened, no knew the pain in my heart except her. She was the only reason I could smile for real, up until things hit a rocky point. She cheated, and I honestly don't blame her, why love a girl so much when you can care for a guy that has more that another girl can give you. She had no experience in relationships with guys, but neither did I, in the end of 10th grade I had to let her go. She was no longer mine, and I can't hold on to a free spirit it just isn't right.
Soon after I dated my first boyfriend,
-_______-;
Teenage stupidity one would say, that was my first BIG mistake but I learned from it or I thought I did until my soul crushing love came about. Brandon Kelly, boy oh boy was he perfect when I met him, everything I had dreamed of in a man up until well, his true colors showed and I was so in love and foolish I put up with any and everything he did. He was one of those people I spoke about before who didn't give a fuck about you, but pretended he did for some sick reason or another. It broke my heart (literally) but I left him go, and now he's happy and so is his "wife" Teya. I was bitter for a while but, I got over it and I'm really happy for her & him they have true love and well I wish them the best.
So many years of bottled up pain, and anger is releasing itself and I don't know what to do with myself. I have dreams about death, and blood and most of the time I'm causing it. It just sucks to be the one that gets the short end of the stick, I know my girlfriend & boyfriend care about me but in the back of my head I somehow know this isn't going to work. Things like this never work for me, and when I know its going to come to an end it does in the most grotesque way. I just waiting for something to happen where I'm heartbroken, but the fun part about this is I'm use to it, its just going to be a pain my chest a harsh week of sleep and then I go back to being cold and quite.
I know its morbid to think that way but, like I said its all I know how to do. Hinote tried to teach me to be positive but his efforts were broken by a harsh reality. He tried to care for me, and stuff, but he hurt me too a couple of times and still tell this day don't realize it. I'm not bitter, its human nature I guess. I looked up to him he was so special to me, and well it hurt, it kinda broke me from the world for someone to say they care for you but, your not attractive or pretty enough until they notice it, but it was to late I was tired of chasing something that would never be with me, or whatnot.
Out of all honesty though, I wanted them happy but he couldn't decided how to make us happy because we both wanted him, and apparently I fucked up so many times he started loving her so much more than before. I'm ok with that, those two are made for one another they way they talk, walk, and speak its a perfect match. However, I dunno where I stand with this soul matching, I love him with all I am but I don't fit in some ways or another. He hates it when I say I don't belong with them or I make an insinuation but I can't help how I feel now can I?
Even if they left me today somehow I know they'd be happy with one another, I've seen it before... It would hurt him for me not to be around and I'm not saying I wont' be if it comes to that all I'm saying is maybe, just maybe I meant to stand alone. I see happy everyday, as well as depressed but I'm not either right now I'm living, or would I be exsisting?
I'm not.... sure.
I know we won't be able to marry or anything like, after my last relationship I detest the thought of marriage and kids, not to mention after my mothers treatment I don't want my kids to grow up the way I did no parents, no love, no anything. Noticing how things are now, I look back and it still hurts but as I get older it hurts less & less because I don't think about it often. Even now I tear up, and the thought of a wedding knowing my mom won't be there and my dad can't give me away well just for the simple fact I was never his "little girl" to give away I was always a burden until he realized at some point he'd need me.
School....
Eh.
Becoming a nurse is going to be hard but I'm ready for the fight, I just really need to buckle down and offense it. School's ok, accept my Japanese class I found out today I'm failing with flying colors. So I mean, I'm keep studying my but off but I know if I fail I'm going to have to hear how I didn't do my best and I stayed in the street, and blah, blah, blah. Financial aid, and you can't keep you insurgence if your not in school, so much pressure from childhood abandonment perks.
-_____-
Well, what more can I say? Just writing what's on my mind.
Sometime I wish I was Sookie Stackhouse, at least she has a cool power like mind reading. I'm just a mentally broken girl, who tries to make everyone happy but herself because she doesn't know how too, nor does she want it snatched away again over something dumb so she just pushes forward and, using drugs like weed to make life worth living, I don't need it true, I'm not addicted to it also true but it does make me smile and everything is good just for a little while, but I don't like using it to hid my pain its just an escape that only last for so long and wears into your pockets.
I guess, not I'll go to sleep. I need it haven't really had good sleep, lastnight was the only time and it wasn't enough btw don't call me emo, I'm nothing of the sort everyone has there moments and this isn't one of them its me reflecting and thinking.
Well, naptime blogspot, until we meet again.
No comments:
Post a Comment