Sunday, February 21, 2010

Day 1 of my mission


Even though I'm high, the feeling of how thing are still hunts my mind and emotions... Not only cannot not have his heart, I can't have his body either... She got to it last, marking him as hers each and ever time... He'd of just told me, that I was doing it again, and we just get into a debate at how I wasn't doing I was just was telling you how I feel... I wanted to tell him earlier but he wouldn't overreacted and well a fight would of began...

I dunno how long I can do this, even if I wanna wrap up this and make people happy when I'm not.

Eh, words can't express how much I hate my life...

I always give, give and give but people never get back... In this conversation I told him how I felt and well, I don't think it made an difference.

I hope I made him feel better day if I don't feel any sort of happy emotion, I tried watching True Blood, that worked for a moment... then I was right back to being lifeless, I guess I should watch all 24 episodes that should be a day of a normal feeling.

Well, sitting here looking over at everybody I'm sort of envious, to how they feel, I'm completely sober and even if I was high its not how it use to be. I can still feel, and well it sucks.

I told Koori he could teach me how to draw, because in my thoughts sometimes words doesn't give your mood justice. So, why not. At first I told Flame he could but I'd rather not ya know? To much of having to be around and more love and all that stuff that like to trick me into believing I have hope.

I was a fool to believe I had a chance, they have 2 years of love and relations, they had many firsts together and will always be apart of each other. I've thinking of apologizing to Hikari for coming and ruining her happiness, what right did I have? All this over my own and hopes, I always run back to him, he's a security blanket, I guess but now I gotta grow up and pass it down to someone that needs him.

I wanna be selfish, I wanna cry, I wanna beg but I won't do anything but make me feel more incomplete because I still won't have you...

Him being mine was such a nice thought but, that's all it well ever be, a thought... a dream....

Not once sense he's been over here has he looked like he cared but then again I'm a good actress and I can pretend I'm alright so it just might be my fault, as much as I'm going to want to call him I won't, gotta break it off slow and easy. My dreams and nightmares has been so much more worse than normal but I'd never tell him, I got to let his hand go slowly, so slowly he doesn't even realize it.

Even sitting next to him things don't feel the same, but I'll keep repeating to myself this isn't for me.

I got them together before and they were happy, I put my feelings aside for that I can do it again...

>.>

I guess

So, as I right this blog I get an image of myself chained to a wall and my face is staring up with blood running down my eyes, but I have a blank face and I'm surrounded in darkness with a red dim light falling on me.

But I can't draw it so that was pointless, another reason I didn't want to draw because I get compared to Hikari enough and I don't wanna be compared to her anymore than I have too.

That's what happens when you're in love with to girls at the same-time I guess, you start noticing there similar traits along with the similar bad traits. I really just wanna run, but I promised him I'd try but then again he promised he wouldn't hurt me... well I guess two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left...>.>

Day one of my job I guess is complete, but know I know to act normal so he'll never know when I'm in pain... Back to my old self I guess, hide in front of people but cry yourself to sleep. You'll probably only have to keep this up for 2 months tops Soichi, and you'll be so good at masking the pain when he's completely gone you won't know the difference.

Being single sucks, and whoever says it doesn't is full of shit.

Well time to pretend I'm normal, and be a good hostess.... lets put a smile on that face...

Fallen.


Self explanatory, this is how I feel right now...but even still I wish someone understand I'm just a hollow soul walking this world and ppl still keep taking more and more of what I don't have to give.

My mornings thoughts and feelings


Well yesterday ended this love triangle, between Hikari, Flame, and myself. He told us that he wasn't going to be with either of us. I guess this will make him stop hurting us or whatever his plan is, I don't know anymore.

I'll I know is I made a choice lastnight, I will never fall in love again, I swear. This has been the worst couple of months ever, and my emotions have been dragged out and sucked on all because you made me love you only to realize you couldn't hurt anyone anymore.

I was high as all hell lastnight, but I wasn't to high where I didn't know when I woke up everything would come back. I feel like someone has shot and arrow through my chest and left it there, refusing to pull it out. I call em, I'll text him no answer, I dunno what to even attempt to do anymore.

All the things he told me only hurt to think about, how much he loved me, how much he missed me when I was away, how much he loves me more and wants to be with me. Well we were together for 4 days before he broke up with me, there goes my whole year. Besides school I don't think I wanna leave the house for a while. It's just whats best for me, I can't depend on weed to make me smile, nor will my friends be any help at this point... most just don't give a fuck so my mouth is closed. I have no1 to talk to about my feelings, no shoulder to cry on, and well it kinda sucks.

I still wanna be close to him but if he does get another girlfriend I'ma going to envy the hell outta her.

She got a chance.

I just wanted one good guy in my lifetime, and all this had to mess that up.

Yay me.

Looking back I realize I never stop loving him I just made excuses to why I had stop because I was still bitter about 07'.

Well, all I can do is lay here, and stare off into wherever.

I've made so many mistakes when its comes to him, and I've repented for them constantly I guess I should blame myself more than I do.

My self esteem has dropped and now I feel low and broken... I guess no matter what I'll be in pain over this. Like I said, how can you be friends with someone your in love with, you're just going to fall in love more and its not fuckin fair.

I would read, but love is in all the books I like. I would write but, I don't have the fever for it right now, I would draw but I can't and everyone else I know does that, so basically I have nothing to do with myself.

-___-


Sex.

Ha, sex. I don't even want it anymore, it all feels like a lie anyway, and when I think of sex with him I'm hurt my chest is in so much pain... Everything was stripped away from me over a dream, and his ex girlfriend whom he still loves.

I hate my life, and if I die oh well I ain't nothing but a pain in the ass anyway obviously...

What am I saying...

>.>

How fortunate for me I have to be alone toady because I can't leave the house, no1 will be around me meaning I'll be alone, and well maybe its best because I know I look depressed but the way I feel now. My eyes are low and sensitive, my body is week, and I don't wanna move, nor do I have an appetite.

I won't eat for a while no1 will notice... that fat on my body will keep me alive.

I wanna see him, I really do but I think that would make it worse for both of us and I doubt he wants to see me so once again, there's that lonely feeling.

Well now we're all in pain and ain't shit we can do about it, I just wish... No point in wishing it never comes true its only a constant reminder of what you don't have.

Oh lookie there....

FML.

;_;

I sit here intoxicated as I've ever been. My vision is blurry, my eyes are low and I feel completely numb. All the pain I had today is now in a ball vastly gliding through space, and it feels great. Even though sex would be wonderful right, I don't feel anything at the thought of sex. Usually, I'll think more about it and think of "him" and "her" fucking and it usually fucks me up emotionally but eh, what can you do?

He enjoyed it, that's all that matt----...... anyway off that subject.

I'm freezing cold, just ate Mcdonalds, and is wishing slightly in my head he'd change his mind at his decision. As much as I wanna scream and shot and make a hub bub, it won't change the fact that he made his choice. He told me he was going to find another girlfriend somewhere else, he couldn't hurt either of us. So, bam. My last and final scrap of pride out the window, earlier when we were talking he told me I was making him feel worse.

I had to apologize at that point, because I noticed I was.

Is just so un fuckin fair.

This is the VERY same reason why, I was done with love after Brandon. In which case today "he" decided to go to Brandon and ask him question knowing he did ME wrong, but maybe I am wishie washy".

That still hurts ya know.

You went to him of all people.

That hurts alot.

I can't say I won't miss the affection, I had alot of firsts with you I'll say but I guess non of that matters. I can't even begin to describe how I'm going to feel when I come down, Oh man.

-__-

I'm sorry you had to go through all this I am.

.......................

That's how I feel right now, that's the best description I have to offer. Not only did she have YOU last, sexually, physical, and emotionally, but you got numerous chances where I didn't to be with him. I know I've hurt him, and drive him up and wall and down, taking time to set your aura all over the place. We're equally matched, you're right but someone how the words "more than air" ring in my head and I feel liked too.

So many emotions and feelings, I wish I couldn't feel anymore. It's just so....-sigh-.... It's the same ol sad song... and I have to keep singing it because no1 will upgrade me to DISCO!


I'm high.

I'll never again feel his lips, cuddle, lay, love, play around, nothing of the short. That'd be crossing the line, and if he does it to me he'll have to do it to Hikari and well, more shit.

Damnit.

FML.

My life's motto.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

...Lastnight was a bitch...

It's insane how many times I hear a day how much I wasted my time trying. I've been pissed off for 2 days now, non stop pissed off. You know what, what's sad is I can go further. How dare I let myself go through the same bullshit over the words "I love you." again. It always has been and will be those FUCKING ex's, I swear that's the theme of men/women now a days.

"I still love my ex."

Geewiz asshole, like I didn't already know that but then don't come and tell me you love me more. Really? You've got to be shitting me. But like the dumbass, naive, soul I am I believe it and feed MORE into the bullshit.

What the fuck!? You should of saw ALL this coming its the same game as Brandon Kelly, and DeAngilo Wills played you fuckin idiot! I swear, all this anger is sinking into hatred but, I'm not a hateful person nor do I want anyone to make me.

This whole two years were full of shit.

I realize that, and that dream wasn't telling him that he wasn't meant to be with me, it was god telling m not to be with him. I'm like really? Why the fuck am I so bad? But in all reality that's what the dream was about.

If there even was a dream to begin with, dealing with the shit for the third time I'm so fuckin done.

I don't want sex, now I just feel dirty and use. I was headed to buy a dildo and couldn't even do it. I couldn't picture myself horny, and that's sad coming from me. I'm back on my no sex rule, don't even wanna touch myself. Every guy that hits on me, gets the evil glare and I walk away like at the mall yesterday.

You have taken the last of my giving a fuck.

Not to mention you went through this whole talk about how you weren't going to have sex but then ended up telling ppl there wasn't anyway to get around it when "she" came down.

You lying asshole.

I swear over dumb shit, this is all so dumb and nonessential.

I hope you're happy, I swear I do cause you better enjoy it. There is no words in the English language that will ever describe how much I would love to rip someone throat out and eat their inner while sipping on fresh blood.

It's funny how you make it seem like its my fault you spent two years running after me, but guess what you finally got my ass and you didn't know what to do with it. So all that shit was pointless.

Congratu fuckin lations.


There is goes my anger level raises, I need happy a big tall glass of happy.




Blah

Another night, another blog. So today I found out more shit about my ex, and well ya know I'm not surprised anymore.

Smh

It's all said and done, and now I know this is whats best, but my emotions have changed toward the situation. No matter how much I think about or miss him, I know the truth and well.

We move on, no choice.

New story/manga ideas.


Sumisome Hisakata


Character list

Toshi Satoo:
Short spiky silver hair, teal eyes. Clan tattoo right of heart. Black baggy pants with chains around it, and a skull belt. Around 5'11 muscular figure, a tattoo on his neck of a cross. A white muscle shirt under his black hoody with the kanji/japanese lettering for "Death". Black shitkickers with skulls hanging of the laces.

Race: Werewolf first born son of Akihiro leader of the Michio clan.

Birthday: October 27th

Blood type: B neg

Powers: Lunar powers, transformation, "Mooner energy" can use anything connected to the moon and it habitat.

Weapon: Fangs, and a Forbidden katana forged from the blood of the first werewolf ever created blood.

Siblings: Miyako

(More to come)

Miyako Suzuki: Long black and lavender hair, deep light purple eyes around 5'4 nice set of boobs. Black and silver boots with spider webs on the heel of them. Black and purple skirt with a belt hanging off her hips, a short black trail behind the skirt. A black collard top that ties up in the front and come down to above her belly button. Her belly button is pierced and with a chibi skull.

Birthday: June 5th

Blood type: A

Race: Half vampire half werewolf

Power: Claws, fangs, charm, and special powers on the full moon night.

Weapon choice: Special made daggers, and ninja stars.

Sibling: Toshi



??? :Blue hair with red ribbon, one yellow eye and her attire is in bandages.

(Random character more detail later)

....

I ranted today while high, and it felt so FUCKING good. I can finally just say fuck it, and not feel bad about saying fuck it.

Friday, February 19, 2010

.....

Is headed to Rodney's to smoke... I just need this day to stop it keeps getting more and more fucked up.

If I had a dollar for everytime I cried

I hate me, my god I hate me....

I'll be emo at this point because this sucks, all for the simple fact of who I am I can't have shit in this life, it started without parents, then my siblings left, I can't be in love, sooner or later m friends are going to leave and shit then what will I have?

NOTHING!!

He'll always have Hikari, and well I thought I'd always have my friends but well most of them don't give a fuck and well are doing there own thing and its like no matter how I try to grasp my little bit of happiness you Lord are sent on taking it away!

Tell me why? What have I done to make you hate me so?

Why let me live if I'm so foul of a person!?

I'm loosing it, not that I ever had it but I'm loosing it.

I should loose it, you promised him I wouldn't die so no worries right, but what you didn't add father, was you'd put me through a fate worse than death.

Unmeasurable, lifetime long, pain.


I need sleep.......

The song I can't stop sings...

I keep sing thing song I haven't heard sense childhood, I now know what they mean each time I sing it my chest screams but I mean everyone word...

Run to the arms of the one who loves you

I know you're going,
I can't make you stay.
I can only let you know I
love you any way.
And if the road you take
leads to heartbreak,
Somewhere down the line.
If someone ever hurts you,
Or treats your heart unkind...

[Chorus:]
You just run to the arms of
the one who loves you.
You just run to these arms,
And these two arms will keep you warm.
When rain has found your heart,
Never fear, I'm never far.
You just run to the arms of
the one who loves you.
[ Find more Lyrics on http://mp3lyrics.org/UJll ]

[Verse Two (LaTocha):]
I want you happy,
I want the best for you.
And if you have to leave
to find your dream,
I hope that dream comes true.
But if the world you find
brings you hard times,
If someone makes you cry,
I'll be there to hold you,
I'll be standing by.

[Repeat Chorus]

[Bridge (Tamika):]
My love is strong enough, you know,
Strong enough to let you go.
But I'll always hold you,
Inside my heart.
And if you should ever change your mind,
You can come back any time,
And when you do...

[Repeat Chorus]

You made me love you.


You made me love you even when I didn't want too. Each day you started taking up more of my thoughts, and I just wanted to hear your voice and make you smile. I only want the best for you, I know I wasn't the easiest thing to deal with I realize that but I'm more than grateful for you doing it. You were the person I depended on, and needed for so long the only person who seemed to care and the last person to take my heart with them. I don't wanna love again after you, I know if you're reading this you probably don't believe me and I know the reason why. In this I spill ever feeling I have for you on the table before we both leave each other lives.

I know I care for you, I care for you so much that I even shed tears, everyone says that I shouldn't but deep down inside I can't help it, you are the only man I know that loved me the way you did and meant it. It's harder to let you go this time then the last one, when I tell you no1 else wants me besides you and you laugh, I mean it. For reasons I thought you could see. Any other man wants me because I'm bi or because I have big tits but you, you like every each about me, and you've showed me physically, emotionally, and sexually.

Most everyone I know has been telling me this is all over the fact of you can't let Hikari go, and I'm not sure because like I said history has a way of repeating itself. I want you happy, but I wanted you happy with me. Have you ever felt like you've had a calling in your life? I'm sure you have probably art, and animation.

My calling is to be the back bone of a great man. I don't have any special talents like everyone else, I'm normal I guess you could say, some ppl say I have a beautiful personality but what does that mean to the world?

I want you to be successful in life, I do. I want you happy, and loved with kids the whole shabang but, it hurts to know that you're not loving me, the same something you've wanted so long and made me believe you wanted me, and needed me. Now I just feel thrown away, like I had to but my pain and longing aside to make sure you have a secure future. No matter how many nights I went to sleep asking god why does he keep doing this to me, I never got an answer. How many more people is he going to take from me?

I know its morbit to think about but, but when my only from of parents is taken by you, what will I have?

Nothing.

I was placing so much in this relationship, in you and now I'm getting mixed signals and other things that only hurt and confuse me. I'm willing to wait for you no matter how long it takes like I said I gave you my heart. I just can't wait to find out I'm picked last again, ya know?

Now do you understand?

I don't do what I donot to be an asshole, I do it trying to place myself in happiness other in pain like before. Remember this happened before, you being in love with chibi and set me on the back burner until you were ready?

Well I don't want that again.

Sometimes I wish I could just cry and cry and god would have sympathy on my soul, and let me be happy with no pain. You make me happy, I realize that, and I'm sure you've heard this.

This is how I truly feel, but my happiness never last. Hopefully yours will, even now I shed tears wish I could turn time back, but I'm so lost at to what to do, I'm scared and so afraid with no1 to promise me it'll be alright. I would so rather be in your arms and cry right now but you think I don't trust you, its not that I don't trust the given situation because its a repeat of my history and I'm always hurt and lied to, I'm only human dear I try but I can only hold on for so long and as you know there's nothing positive in my head.

With all this said.

I love you so much Orlando Oree, you made life easier to deal with and made me smile on the dark days, and I just want you to know that you have my heart.



The extent of my anger


I can't believe the shit I deal with, I can't believe I'm still talking and making things worse. Haven't you learned yet, fighting for something you NEVER win. You loose, each and every time. I could care less about "Her" hating me, I really could but.... It's still like damn sometimes ya know?

All over this, and the more I put pieces together the more angery I become, down the years everything was fine up until everyone found out he was "In love with me." now after he's wanted me so bad and can have me, he's staying single.

Pyro said something yesterday, that still today kinda hurt. "Flames smart, he gets the fuck the both of you."

Can I really just accept ANOTHER person doing that?

My relationships are all a repeat, and it makes me sick to my stomach. I found out currently that shes coming home this weekend and in the back of my mind, I know he's going to spend time with her, and probably fuck even though he gave me the whole "I'm not having sex until I figure out what that dream meant."

I'm so confused I don't know what to believe... he blames me for not believing in him but he doesn't understand how emotionally broke I am... Every time I believe in someone that trust is completely broken. Is it my fault for being confused, I mean shit we are dealing with the same shit I've had to deal with with every relationship.

I'm so mad right now, if he dose have sex with her its perfectly fine. I'ma just go buy a dildo and shut up, obviously not meant to have him or anybody else so I'ma just go get me a fuck BLACK dildo!

>.>

Love + relationships= Good sex

But all I've been having lately is someone elses good sex, don't look at me like that. If the dick ain't yours and you fuckin it, you fuck someone elses dick no way around it.

-__-

I should go back to my abstinence, even though I don't want to because I was to angry for words in that period, oh fuckin well. Why did you bring me out of my original mind state just to fuck me over!?

It's not your fault...It's really not.

Instead of just keeping with what I had, like reality on line, I went chasing a damn dream, now in me chasing this dream I ended up fuckin myself up all over again. So now I have to sit alone for days, and replenish my old attitude.

That way everyone gets what the FUCK the want. Because the way I see it, if that dream was his subconsciousness he didn't wanna be with me deep inside, and well ya know BAM, is all I can say. Hikari can stop her bitching and whining and have him, I obviously have to make the harsh desiccation again in this relationship because this waiting process is redundant.

So now, he can have her.

They belong together, I'm no artist or anything he needs, he can have her you two are meant to be together! There, she fuckin wins, I give up. It might be wrong I don't care, I'm so sick and tired of dreams and all this facebook hatred, and other dumbstuff.

Hikari you can have you're dick back, I'm sorry for barrowing it, it will NEVER happen again.

I'm done with love, and all that bullshit.

It's bullshit!

You've tried, I'll give him that I really will but what can you do, I feel like all the love you had for me faded away with in a week and you don't' even notice it because its not that big of a deal. Like the only reason you wanted me was because you thought you couldn't have me, but now that you've got me the thrill of the chance is over, ch, you don't want it anymore.

I mean shit, I've been in your shoes for the last week. You've changed completely in which you probably don't notice it. I don't care everyone can call you gangsta for fuck two bitch, its something I'm USE to hearing along with a whole bunch of other miscellaneous sass.

I just don't care happens at this point, especially with me. Death, loneliness, pain, anger, and any other emotion that comes, bring it on.

I've delt with you before I deal with you again.

My dreams at night have gotten worse, I may not say anything to anybody but I know the out come of all of this, and foolishly I thought I could change it. Waking up, crying, and screaming she wanting to be held as someone tries to suck my soul from my still being.

It's all very horrible but like I said bring it on, I'll get use to it. Or maybe I'll die and then I really won't give a fuck!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHAAHAHA!

Oh man, this is funny.

Alright I'm loosing it.....

So! What the fuck do I care!? If I loose myself this very minute do you know who would notice, no1!

Chi can play my role and no1 ever notices... but letting her out is a process and right now I have to much "food" for her to "Feed" off of. She could be here for days, weeks.

God I miss being numb, not caring how much someone hurts me because I can't feel it. Oh well, pain lets me know I'm alive in the words of three days grace.

Red the color of blood, isn't it beautiful?

Finally, I can rest without this aching pain in my chest...

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

My thoughts at the moment


Is in class, still thinking about the last 2 days. I'm still upset about the situation, but I guess I'll have to move on. Time stands still for no1, looking back I still can remember things that made me happy. I was so close to being happy I could smell it, but once again it was snatched away from me, now I think that once he lets me go someone body will finally pick me up, now that I don't want to be. I'm so done with, love and relationships I don't know what to do with myself. Talking to you today made me feel less of a loser, and lonely but I still feel second.

I'm just thinking, how would you feel if someone else came in a decided they wanted my heart for themselves, and they were going to get it.

I once again feel like an abandoned toy, but I try to continue to realize its not your fault. As much as you say you want me, its clear you aren't ready for any kinda relationship , unless you got back to "her" but is that what you want? Or are you trying to find way around that cause you still want a shot at me?

All of these questions I want an answer too, I'll never ask because I'm not sure if I'll get an honest answer.

Honestly hasn't been a key point in any "lover" I've had, neither is a sensitive spot for hurting me. All of them really never gave to shits of a fuck, ya know?

I still care about you, but I can't care about you all at the same time. You call me heartless, but no1 likes to be in pain, so they have no choice but to be heartless.

Should I take everyone's advice and make you chose?

.....>.>....

That's not fair, I wouldn't want someone doing that to me why would I do that to you.

It would be so much easier if I was just selfish ya know? Just took you and ran with you with my tongue out... Childish I know but, I can't help it. *pouts*


I doubt you'll ever know how I feel, nor if I explained would you get it so this is all in vain, but it feels good to rant. I've got more weed I plan to smoke after school, I'ma need it because I'm starting to think to hard, and 'Chi' is starting to miss someone a little more then I would like her too.

What can you do?

She has a connection with him, she would know best wouldn't she?


-____-

I'll never understand I guess, but I don't wanna half a stalker all because of a bond being broken again DF wouldn't like that very much, he almost went crazy last time when it happened THIS wouldn't throw him over the edge, and that's a scary thought.

Should I keep him as a friend, same relationship, or move on?

-sighs-

I hate when I have to decided, cause I never make the right choice, or so I think.

Day 1

Well today's the day I have to forget about someone again, I swear this is a repeat every year. It's a process that makes me feel less of a human everyday, the process to stop loving someone and not give a fuck.

I loved him, and I was let down harshly and left to die

Opening up is never easy once you close yourself up. Every time I sit and think, high or sober, I feel like "Damn. It ended like that?"

FML

Even now I wish I could talk to him, but I can't be second not again... and if I stay I know I will be. This dream, and all of that is just confusing me making me feel like, he just didn't want to be with me your escape route where you can have me and her.

But then I try to give you the benefit of the doubt, I don't know what to think or how t think right now, guidance would be nice.

Tonight's going to be field with nothing but pain.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Goodbye.

guess now that I've given up on anything that consists of love, I know my life is a wasteful... What is life without love?

I hope swallowing this darkness will, put me to sleep forever.

I love you, I love you all.

I'll let darkness carry me to sweet slumber.


Leave out all the rest,


Simple words to you.

Dear God,

You're cruel, and to those who don't deserve it.

I still don't believethis.


Dear reader,

I've currently been a relationship with my current boyfriend sense February 12, 2010. These days have been field with happiness, and now I know what a meaningful relationship feels like, he REALLY cares for me. Now this is where things start to piss me off. Every sense we've gotten together he's had dreams about death, and destruction of our relationship, himself, and Hikari. (which is his ex) But as of last night, god decided to "bless" his dreams with holy wisdom.

I'm so pissed off, he's known to be the god of holiness and happiness, but I STILL haven't received the happiness shit, nor will he let me. Ever sense I can remember as a child I've wondered why thing had to happen to me. My parents, my illnesses, and a buttload of other things. So now, after 1 1/2 of pratically killing myself in sorrow after my ex boyfriend decided to leave my life, I come into another relationship with this shit.

It's not fuckin fair.

So god, you mean to tell me.

Teya and Brandon can be a happy couple breaking people hearts and moving on with life, but me, who never wanted to hurt a fly can't be happy to save her life. You keep telling me ever sense I was a child to pray and trust you, but when I do this I get nothing in return. I'm only human, I lie, and do petty shit but the more I grow the more you break me. No matter how hard I try, you keep proving to me that my life is meaningless.

As a child I was devoted to you, and you managed to take me away from my happiness and but me into hell, moving me away from the only mother I'd known in my 12 years of life, and putting me with the women that birth me all for what? To see my suffering, my hunger, my pain, my loneliness?

The same with my father, you always seem to show me that everyone I ever wanted in my life never wants me, its all about someone else. My own parents left me, for their OWN lives, I watch everyday, people getting things they don't deserve but here I sit and wait for a shred of happiness. No1 has held me that tight and close, and I could feel there love. I'm sick to my stomach right now, pain is in the back of my throat and you probably don't care.

It's okay for you to make things plan to see, but what about the creatures you created. I didn't asked for this, I never asked for you to create me just for all this pain to build in my chest. Why would you want to see me in pain if you love me so much?

Hikari.

That's all I've heard about this last two weeks, her pain, her heartache. Where was all this to HIM when he broke my heart and didn't give a holy hell? You didn't send him dreams, you didn't punish him from all the heart ache I had to go through. You tell him I left because that was what I was suppose to do. Was it really? I was so desperate for love I made a stupid mistake and eneded up here, but I was suppose to do it. So I was set up for failure is what you've stated right?

The only answer you have for that is, "Everything happens for a reason.", I'm sure.

.....

It's obvious to see, no matter how hard I try you aren't going to cut me a break, but you want me to preach your gospel. Every-time I go to church I hear the same thing, over and over again how god has a calling on your life.

Well I don't want it.

Give it to somebody, that is worthy of your blessing, because I'm not. Someone in constant pain doesn't deserve anything but pain, and loneliness.

You let me come back to him, you saw the turmoil I went through, and then when I finally say "Fuck it all" and love him, and drop my guard you give me this.

How blessed and fortunate I am, aren't' I?

But all you care about is Hikari, and how she feels like I didn't have to do the same thing but I went through it alone, at night, screaming and crying prying, hoping you'd take my life. You never did, you never spoke, and I assumed you just never cared.

I guess this answers it huh, father?

My pleas never got to you, or you read and returned to sender. My life is so in shambles, I just noticed I'm basically failing my math class, and no matter how I try I still fail. You know what, I'ma just sit in the house and do NOTHING with my life.

I just wanna sleep, I feel so sick.

But I'm sure, you'll just turn your back and not care. After all you've got more important people to care for right?

Friday, February 12, 2010

A shattered toy


Staring at the screen, words floating to my head in paragraphs and I try to keep up to things but like all I lose my way in this black abyss that I call my mind. Staring at pages and time as it floats by I can't seem to understand why, why does thing end up so badly? One minute I'm content and the next I could take my own life if you would just let me go enough.

Holding onto you, feeling like you're my only hold to my sanity as I further slip into the darkness that holds me so tightly. I feel it swallowing me whole
, my breathing hitches and my chest caves in. I become dizzy, I feel numb. A lovely feeling, even if my soul is being sucked out, I feel nothing and I'd be lying if I said it didn't feel heavenly.

Thoughts of you flood to my eyes, ever so slowly you pass with this hurt expression on your face, even when I close my eyes your face won't fade from me. Why must you hunt me even in my demise? Death is the only way I can let you be happy and release me from such unbearable pain.

Even when I realize this you, draw me back. You hold me, and you won't let me go, locking me away so I can't harm myself anymore than my own thoughts. You care for me, feed me, bathe, me.

Until I break.

I break in your arms, and all you can do is watch. If only you had just let me leave this world, I wouldn't of had to watch the pain in your eyes, as your shinny new toy just broke. All is well dearest, you're old toy will return and you will be happy with it. I won't leave you behind alone, your love for me will convert and all will be well.

You look at me, anger in your eyes as if you've read my mind. Pinning me down you stare into my eyes and tears fall from my cheeks but my face doesn't change.

How does it feel to have a broken toy?

This is what happens when you let people take your toys and they miss use them, but I guess its my fault for being a toy because I'm willing to be a good object for anyone who'll play with me. What else am I to do? It's in my craft.

How long will you try to fix something that's gone from broken to ruined? Do you believe in me so much that I'll be fixed and brand new again?

Time will tell won't it?

Only a matter of time before you put me down for something else new and shinning, and I collect dust in a closet somewhere in darkness.

Darkness.

It always somehow leads back to the that swelling abyss, and until that day comes all I can do is be here waiting to be thrown away again, but this time by my original owner.

Well Master, I'll be by your side until I'm cast away.

Just an Irritated rant. -__-

Being like this has to be a fuckin crime! OMG!! Why can't I just walk outside and not stop? Until I get to a place where I can scream my FUCKING head off!!


AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-inhales-

That helped a tad bit but damnit.

This is the most frustrating feeling of my life, well one of them anyway....-__-... I need to get a pen pal or something, blogging is fine and all but damnit I wanna rant.

No, don't let yourself slip Soichi...

You've got the whole InuYasha soundtrack, use it to your advantage.

-sighs-

Thank god for music, because you just can't depend on ppl sometimes to make the bad world go away.

I'ma just lay here until something good happens, like maybe I'll fall unto a huge pile of money, or maybe some hot sexy vampire who's totally in love with me will whisk me away and show me the fires of love.

HA!!

Like that'll ever happen, I swear me and my imagination. That probably why I'm so fucked up now, because I'm a hopeless romantic knowing damn well I ain't NEVER gone get non of that shit.

EVER!

>_<

There I go wanting to cry again, but I don't have the strength, nor will my pride let me.
Man I wish, I wish....


I can't even wish anymore, don't have the effort for that either.

Damn,

everything sucks the life outta me.

I honestly just wanna be held, but that's not happening ANYTIME soon.

Maybe some sleeping pills?

That'll help me fall asleep, but a panic attack will wake my ass right the FUCK back up, FML, I can't even sleep in peace.

Damnit.

FUCK!!!

Sex isn't anywhere near on my mind, which I know is strange. I just don't want it, I feel like even if I were to have sex I wouldn't get anything outta it anymore, like my heart and soul are frozen and my body is just walking trying to keep ppl from worrying.

Damnit.

Damnit.

Damnit!

I just want this to end, it could end if I just...-shakes head- I made a promise, and I always keep my promises.


Thursday, February 11, 2010

Could you be ALL mine, or will I just be number 2?

So much on my mind

Is confused when it comes to you. You love me, so much and yet sometimes you make me feel so second in your life. I've been fine with a "fuck-buddy almost relationship" but when it come to tying the knot I stop. You want me as your girl or do you want me just because you want a girl friend and "She" happens to be too far away?

These questions I just can't answer, I feel like I'm being played in a slow melody and you enjoying every cry that I hit as you work me over. I can't be hurt or but on hold in a relationship for the 4th time, but its not in your nature to place your "best friend" on a back burner nor would I let you because I'm to flippin nice for my own good, and I put the worlds happiness before my own.

-___-

Fml.

You want me here, but when I try to make things simple, you don't want me to leave but you stay stressed about the little shit you can't change.

I want you, I do but not the cost of the sanity that I've worked so hard to gain back.

I've talked to everyone I could think of and they wouldn't mind us being together, they want us both happy but they all see my point, and understand. You threaten to leave me but when I leave first its wrong?

You confuse and hurt me, sometimes I wish I wouldn't of stayed out your life and maybe I would of just died by now, but unfortunately life wants me to live it and I don't have a choice.

Not to mention, things aren't going well here with school and a job for you, so you might be shipped to California in no time, then what relationship would I have?

So much to think about.

I'ma be up all night.

-sigh-


Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Beautiful Hell

A beautiful Hell
By Soichi Haru

Tonight was the big night, and I was too excited to sit still, I had to make sure everything was perfect, I spend all day cleaning the house and making sure everything was spick and span. After that I needed to go grocery shopping, cause I planned on making a nice dinner, after everything was finished I decided to get started on cooking. I can’t believe it, its been a year already. I couldn’t help but smiled to myself as I light the frying pan, placing vegetable oil inside. Reaching into the fresh new grocery bag, I pulled out a packet of catfish dipping it in flower and a few secret seasoning I placed 4 pieces in the frying pan and watched them sizzle. Before I knew it, the day was gone and night had befallen on our house deep within the woods. Taking off my apron and hanging it on the rack I headed back into the bedroom, walking into our large bathroom.

“Time to clean myself up.” I muttered starting the shower as I undress myself out of my usual attire. Letting my black hair with white tips flow behind be I looked at myself in the mirror, I hated my hair down. Shaking my head I sighed, tonight wasn’t for me I had to keep telling myself as I stepped into the hot shower, I moaned as the water touched my skin. The warmth relaxed my muscles and made me feel so good.

It reminded me of somebody.

…..

Hinote.

I sighed and shook my head, I knew that thoughts would start rushing to me and sure enough they did. My body shivered as I imagined his strong firm hands caressing my curves and his hips, his finger caressing my skin slowly marking his property with every skin cell on his finger tips. Biting my lips I shook my head and began to bathe, after a long day of hard work a hot shower seems just right. I took my time and worshiped my body just for the simple fact, it wouldn’t be mine for long tonight.

I really need to work on my perverted thoughts.

Hopping out, I looked around for a towel but I hung my head when I remembered I forgot that I didn’t grab one. Sighing, I slowly began making my body temperature raise, a little trick I picked up from Hinote over the years. The water evaporated with ease and I smiled into the mirror, it even dried my hair for me. Peeking my head out the door just to see if he’d come home and I didn’t notice my vision gave me the ok to walk out into our bedroom naked.

I walked up to the dresser pulling out a black and red panty set, matching fish nets to match. Placing it on my body I turning around I walked to the full body mirror in our room.

Well, I sure hope he’s happy. I don’t usually wear anything fancy underwear
unless the bounty mission causes for it, but like I said before this is a special
occasion. It’s not every day a couple makes it to their one year wedding
anniversary. Walking over to the bed I bend down and reached for a box that I
had hid under there for safe keeping. It was long and wrapped neatly, I was proud
of myself for finding this rare find.

Flinching when I heard the door open I stood up.

“Soichi, I’m home.” The voice spoke and I smiled to myself as I grabbed the red
silk robe on the bed placing it around my body. Grabbing the box I
walked into the living room to greet the man. Turning the corner there he stood.
Around 6 feet tall, spiky black and red hair that looked a mess sometimes but you
still gotta love it. Deep crimson eyes that stared at me as I walked into the room.
His attire was a pair of black pants, a red sleeveless shirt and a black vest over it.
Placing the box on the coffee table, I walked over to him.

“Welcome home love.” I whispered as I leaned up on my tippy toes to kiss his lips. He returned the kiss happily, as he long red panther tail came to wrap around my waist making me giggle slightly. Pulling back I looked at him and smiled, glancing over him I noticed something. “Hinote, what are you hiding behind your back?”

He flinched just slightly and sighed revealing a little white box with holes in it. I blinked and stared at the thing in question. He reached his hands out to me, and spoke softly.

“Happy anniversary.”

I grabbed the box and blink while opening, to my surprised a little neko jumped out at me. It was all white with red paws, the tip of its tail was printed red as well, large beautiful purple eyes.

I squealed in excitement.

“A fire koneko!!” I exclaimed as I laid it in my chest petting it little head. It purred and I smiled brightly, looking back at Hinote he had a small grin on his face.

“I’ll take it as you like em?”

I nodded walking up to him kissing his lips again as the neko crawled to my shoulder. Pulling back once again I placed the neko to the floor, and walked over to the coffee table grabbing the large box handing it to him. Looking at me he sat down and opened the box, a red and black katana was reviled and he grinned.

“Dear you shouldn’t have.”

I laughed at his tone.

So violent, isn’t it sexy?

Rubbing the sword his grin got wider, stopping when his finger ran across something else.

“Honey, what is this?” He questioned as he picked up the sliver and blue key. I turned to look to the floor, and a blush came to my face.

“You’ll see what it’s for later.” I muttered and he blinked at my response. Walking into the kitchen away from his gaze I grabbed the two platters of food I’d cooked earlier and headed for the dining room table which I was sure he’d moved to. His mouth fell when I walked into the room placing the food on the table.

“I-Is all that for me?” He stuttered his gaze stuck on the food placed in front of him.

I giggles and nodded.

“Yes my love it is.”

He continued to stare causing me to sigh at his astonishment, pushing him back I sat in his lap and pulled his face close to mine.

“Are you going to eat or should I just throw all my hard work out?” I stated and he lightly kissed me.

“Oh hush. Can’t I bask in the glory of having a wonderful wife who cooks for me?” He replied back and I stuck my tongue out at him. He smiled and wrapped an arm around my waist caressing my sides, as his nose and mouth nuzzled my neck.

“Hm?” Was all I heard drawing me out of my happy place. Looking down I gasped and stood up, I hadn’t noticed my robe had come undone, and his eyes were staring at me. Blushing I fumbled around with the tie, in a instant he was up my left wrist in his hand. “Soichi, take off your robe.”

I looked up at him his eyes bore into mine and I knew I shouldn’t even fight the losing battle. I slipped the robe off looking the opposite of his direction, the whole time in my head cursing robe ties. Once the robe had fallen to the floor, I felt him stand back and his eyes gaze all over my body.

“I guess you don’t like it?” I whispered and before I knew it, I was in his arms being carried over to the couch. Once we got there he sat me in his lap and wrapped his arms around my waist.

“Now why would you think of a silly question like that to ask?” He paused to trail his hand down my leg. Before I knew it his soft lips were placed at my neck kissing ever so lightly around the joint of my shoulder. I lost my train of thought instantly, his fingers caressed my inner thigh teasingly, and I grabbed unto his vest.

“B-baby, but you haven’t eaten.” I whispered and his chuckled slightly, laying me down on my back crawling on top of me slowly. Looking up I saw a grin placed on his lips.

“Oh don’t worry I’ll eat it but for right now, I have a special meal on tonights menu.” He whispered in a low voice which caused my body to shiver, I didn’t know if it was from excitement or anxiousness. Before I could get the next sentence out his mouth was pressed passionately to mine, and I moaned as he pushed his tongue through my lips. As our mouths and tongues battled I could feel him unbuttoning my bra, with ease the light fabric landed on the floor by the bed, his lips still to mine he began to fumble with my nipple.

“Mmmm.” I moaned into the kiss, as he pulled and rubbed it between his thumb and index finger. He knew my chest was a weak spot for me, and nights light tonight he used it to his full advantage. Pulling back from my lips he bent down taking my right nipple into his mouth, I arched my back at the feeling.
Oh kami, this feeling is indescribable. His other had play with the left breast until he decided to switch sides.

“H-Hinote.” I moaned biting my bottom lip, my thighs pressed together as I juices trailed out of me. Headed down my stomach he kissed all over, tasting my skin, stopping when he got the belly button he swirled his tongue around it as he slid off my panties. I turned my head, my breath ragged a small heat blush coating my cheeks.

“Hmmm, it smells so good.” He whispered kissing the inside of my thigh, I grabbed the back of the couch harder as each kiss got more and more to my core. There was pause before I felt his long tongue run over my entrance, I jolted.

“A-ah!” He did realize what he did to me, my body was on fire and it didn’t plan on diming down the heat anytime soon. Oh the many things he could do with that dragon tongue of his. Lifting my leg up higher he went deeper, and I moan louder squeezing the couch even harder. “I c-can’t take this…” I paused to inhale. “I’m g-going to come.”

He continued like I hadn’t said a word, and sure enough my body exploded and on his tongue at that, juices oozed out of me quickly and his tongue lapped them up just as quickly.

Laying there I tried to catch my breath, looking up I noticed him disrobing which made me grin. I was back in the game, I’ll teach him to render me helpless. Sitting up on my knees I pinned him down in a sitting position on the couch, my body right back in his lap but this time he was shirt and vestless. Leaning down I began to kiss and nibble on the right side of his neck, my body pressed closely to his. He groaned slightly.

After what seemed like a dozen kisses I released my tongue from my mouth and started softly licking and sucking on the skin he held me tighter and the moans got louder.

“You and you’re tongue, so good.” He paused to moan at my nibble. “D-don’t stop.”

I didn’t plan on it, licking in circles around the middle of the neck I pressed my fang to it. I knew it would drive him crazy, and it did. He squeezed me so much more tighter and practically growled.

“Fuck! Bit me, bite me NOW!”

I grinned and bit down harshly breaking skin, causing his powerful blood to pour into my mouth I moaned at the contact, he tasted like the sweetest forbidden fruit known to any man or demon in this world. His blood was like my life elixir, and I loved drinking him. I moaned again as his claws racked down my back as I put him into one of his ultimate highs. Pulling back I licked my lips clean of the blood, look at him his eyes were low and there was a huge bulge in his pants.

I blushed and was about to move but he grabbed my thigh sliding me towards him.

“Where do you think you’re going wolfie?” He questioned and just as I was about to answer I heard a zip of some sort. Looking down, I gasped at his exposed cock, more juices started to pour outta me and down my thighs.

“N-no where…” I replied swallowing. Lifting me up with no effort, or words for that matter he roughly slammed me down on his dick. I almost screamed and grabbed on to his shoulder squeezing.

“O-oh! H-Hinote!!” I moaned into his ear, and he grinned. I couldn’t help it at this point this youkai was my own brand of addiction and I couldn’t get enough of him, through my pleasure I could feel him sliding his pants off his ankles as he continued controlling me.

He chuckled at the looks on my face as his hands continued to raise and drop me at will.

“You make the cutest faces.” He whispered looking up at me.

Oooooh! I hated when he said things like that, especially at times like this when I’m powerless to say anything. Glaring at him I slammed down harshly myself cause him to moan. I did a little victory dance inside my head, but little to my knowledge until well after the fact, I was being laid on my back.

“H-Hinote…?” I questioned looking up at him, he just leaned down and kissed my lips once again before he started moving.

I moaned arching my back in pure extasy.

He was so deep inside me I could feel all of him, and it felt amazing. How am I to keep my sanity if you make me loose it every time you do simple movements.

“What’s the matter baby? You like me fucking you like this?” He questioned low and husky and all I could do was moan and grab the couch tighter. Leaning down he got closer to my face, and speeded up the pace.

“A-ah! Fuck!” I moaned grabbing his shoulder digging my claws into them. “H-Hinote, t-there…r-right there!”

Moaning himself I felt proud that I could bring him pleasure, sometimes I doubt its anything compared to what he brings me but its still pleasure nevertheless.

My climax was approaching quickly and my eyes hade already reach the back of my head by the time I realized I was screaming, and not JUST screaming but screaming his name.

“I-I’m going to cum Soichi.” He groaned into my ear his thrust getting more, and more wild. Before I realized I did it, I screamed almost shaking the entire house as I spilled my juices all of his dick. He growled/groaned followed right after my scream and me squeezing his close. I could feel his seed entering my body and I wanted to drool at the very thought. This was sweet completion, to know he was deep inside me made me want to come all over again. It took minutes for him to stop coming inside me, and the look on his face it all was worth it.

Falling into my chest he snuggled as I wrapped my arms around his head. We laid there for moments still connected. Looking up at me he kissed my lips sweetly, and I returned the kiss.

“Happy anniversary love.” He muttered through my chest, and I smiled.

“Happy anniversary to you too dear.”

Sitting up he grinned at me, and picked me up walking to the bedroom. I blinked and looked back at the couch I was being carried away from.

“Baby, what are you doing?” I questioned.

Laying me on our king size bed he grinned licking the valley of my breast.

“You didn’t think I was done did you?” He asked.

“Well I thought…” I paused when his dick pulsated inside me. I gasped at how fast it grew.

“Don’t plan on sleeping.” He spoke before kissing me.

END.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

In the end

Have you just ever felt like no matter how are you try, its not going to make a difference on the out come of things? I mean, looking at myself from 3 years ago to now I can see the change in myself, some for bad, some for the better. I've only had three relationship in my 18 years of walking on this planet, and each on ended in disaster. Loving someone isn't enough, it takes honesty, faithfulness, and commitment.

It starts with one thing
I don't know why
it doesn't even matter how hard you try
keep that in mind i designed this rhyme
to explain in due time
all i know
Time is a valuable thing
watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
watch it count down to the end of the day
the clock ticks life away
so unreal
Didn't look out below
watch the time go right out the window trying to hold on, didn't even know
I wasted it all just to watch you go

Apparently I'm an important person in some peoples life, to the point where they've fallen madly in love with me, and well things have gotten more difficult for me and my healing from my last relationship. Two best friends wanted me, and both ment a lot to me, I wanted them both happy so I tried to balance out each others feelings, big mistake. I ended up in something I'd of rather caught cancer over, feelings, hatred and other bland emotions that caused more difficulty than it was worth. I know how it feels to want someone more than air, and no words in the English language can't describe how much having them in your arms means, but they keep making excuses as to why they can't be with you and can't love you but they won't try either. Using all I had, I tried to make them both understand, but I made insult to injury.

I kept everything inside and even though i tried, it all fell apart
what it meant to me, will eventually be a memory of a time when I
tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall
to lose it all
but in the end
it doesn't even matter

It came down to me hurting one more than the other, I don't know why I felt more comfortable with him but I did, maybe because I once loved him but I had to let go because he was in love with someone else, and didn't want to give me a chance. But that makes another questions stand, why didn't I even attempt to make him happy? He had his chance and he couldn't let go of his ex and he hurt me more than he thought... I guess I'm just to forgiving and I need to stop letting people close to me in ways they wouldn't understand. So I let him get close to me again but not to close if it ever came down to me walking away again I'd be tormented with dreams and feeling like before. Closing my eyes now and looking back on that time years ago still makes my chest sink in, but I don't let it get to me, I did what I had to do.

One thing i don't know why
It Doesn't even matter how hard you try
keep that in mind i designed this rhyme
to remind myself how
i tried so hard
In spite of the way you were mocking me
acting like i was part of your property
remembering all the times you fought with me
I'm surprised that it got so far

So now I only talk to one of them, and well we've become pretty close and its getting more a more diffucult everyday not to fall head over heals. Not because he's all I ever wanted, or all I need, but because he's good to me, and I'm sure he loves me like he says he dose. But it goes much deeper, his resent ex was my first love, and well she's sprung as hell over him, and well I'd prefer they'd be together because I mean, at night when I sleep I put things together. I want to experience new things in a relationship not being compared to her and vise versa. I've heard from his own mouth all the things they've done together, and well I'm kinda jealous because I've never had anyone not one of my exs do anything like that for me, could that be a reason he's so appealing?

Things aren't the way they were before
you wouldn't even recognize me anymore
not that you knew me back then
but it all comes back to me
in the end
I kept everything inside and even thought i tried
it all fell apart
what it meant to me will eventually be
a memory of a time when I

I try to make all my emotion genuine and meaningful but sometimes I get so frustrated I just wanna scream. He makes everything my fault, and still blames me slightly for hurting him when I left on my own attempt to be happy. I don't understand how you can be mad at me for wanting happiness when you had yours, I was alone and you had her but you wanted me there as well, and that's unfair. He probably doesn't realize how much mental pain I went threw in those 5 months. He said he's been in love with me for a while but he was dealing with her to her to give me peace and she became attached. What kinda person would I be to know this and still accept his offering, not to mention I confessed my love to you in the spring of my 16 birthday and you turned my down without a care in your heart then all of a sudden you want me to jump at your confession? No, I was already wanting someone else.

tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
but in the end
it doesn't even matter

I've put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
For all this
there's only one thing you should know

So much pain a suffering I guess all four of us have delt with and it still continues because of some glitch in the cosmos. It just hurts to look at everyone so content with their relationships and when I look back my all ended with cheating, lies, and distrust. I guess I'm asking for to much for another shot at love. I just wanna be held, and taken care of for once something I've never had, ya know? A man to love me and when I look deep into his eyes I can see this love and I'm happy just for that sake. I understand you have to wait for these things but how much longer? I just wanna know what true happiness is while I'm still on this earth. I haven't the slight clue when my heath will become worse and I'm in a hospital bed, I'm in and out the doctor for small thing so they won't escalate into larger problems. I stay stressed because I have something to live up to. It's like drakes song, "I just wanna be successful."

I guess, I should give up loving someone who I'm not meant to be with and gradually move on with my life and TRY to be patient, its so hard sometimes. I try to treat people how I want to be treated but I lose my way sometimes, I'm only human. Looking into the depths of my own trying to sustain my sanity isn't easy, being the last child of my mother legacy I have to be successful in this I won't take anything else in this life.

I guess, I'll just have to keep blogging whenever I feel like I'm losing myself, because I don't wanna be a burden on people more than I have to be, I guess you can call me independent or, maybe stupid. I've been called both before so it really wouldn't matter, I guess.


I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
but in the end
it doesn't even matter