I can't believe the shit I deal with, I can't believe I'm still talking and making things worse. Haven't you learned yet, fighting for something you NEVER win. You loose, each and every time. I could care less about "Her" hating me, I really could but.... It's still like damn sometimes ya know?
All over this, and the more I put pieces together the more angery I become, down the years everything was fine up until everyone found out he was "In love with me." now after he's wanted me so bad and can have me, he's staying single.
Pyro said something yesterday, that still today kinda hurt. "Flames smart, he gets the fuck the both of you."
Can I really just accept ANOTHER person doing that?
My relationships are all a repeat, and it makes me sick to my stomach. I found out currently that shes coming home this weekend and in the back of my mind, I know he's going to spend time with her, and probably fuck even though he gave me the whole "I'm not having sex until I figure out what that dream meant."
I'm so confused I don't know what to believe... he blames me for not believing in him but he doesn't understand how emotionally broke I am... Every time I believe in someone that trust is completely broken. Is it my fault for being confused, I mean shit we are dealing with the same shit I've had to deal with with every relationship.
I'm so mad right now, if he dose have sex with her its perfectly fine. I'ma just go buy a dildo and shut up, obviously not meant to have him or anybody else so I'ma just go get me a fuck BLACK dildo!
>.>
Love + relationships= Good sex
But all I've been having lately is someone elses good sex, don't look at me like that. If the dick ain't yours and you fuckin it, you fuck someone elses dick no way around it.
-__-
I should go back to my abstinence, even though I don't want to because I was to angry for words in that period, oh fuckin well. Why did you bring me out of my original mind state just to fuck me over!?
It's not your fault...It's really not.
Instead of just keeping with what I had, like reality on line, I went chasing a damn dream, now in me chasing this dream I ended up fuckin myself up all over again. So now I have to sit alone for days, and replenish my old attitude.
That way everyone gets what the FUCK the want. Because the way I see it, if that dream was his subconsciousness he didn't wanna be with me deep inside, and well ya know BAM, is all I can say. Hikari can stop her bitching and whining and have him, I obviously have to make the harsh desiccation again in this relationship because this waiting process is redundant.
So now, he can have her.
They belong together, I'm no artist or anything he needs, he can have her you two are meant to be together! There, she fuckin wins, I give up. It might be wrong I don't care, I'm so sick and tired of dreams and all this facebook hatred, and other dumbstuff.
Hikari you can have you're dick back, I'm sorry for barrowing it, it will NEVER happen again.
I'm done with love, and all that bullshit.
It's bullshit!
You've tried, I'll give him that I really will but what can you do, I feel like all the love you had for me faded away with in a week and you don't' even notice it because its not that big of a deal. Like the only reason you wanted me was because you thought you couldn't have me, but now that you've got me the thrill of the chance is over, ch, you don't want it anymore.
I mean shit, I've been in your shoes for the last week. You've changed completely in which you probably don't notice it. I don't care everyone can call you gangsta for fuck two bitch, its something I'm USE to hearing along with a whole bunch of other miscellaneous sass.
I just don't care happens at this point, especially with me. Death, loneliness, pain, anger, and any other emotion that comes, bring it on.
I've delt with you before I deal with you again.
My dreams at night have gotten worse, I may not say anything to anybody but I know the out come of all of this, and foolishly I thought I could change it. Waking up, crying, and screaming she wanting to be held as someone tries to suck my soul from my still being.
It's all very horrible but like I said bring it on, I'll get use to it. Or maybe I'll die and then I really won't give a fuck!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHAAHAHA!
Oh man, this is funny.
Alright I'm loosing it.....
So! What the fuck do I care!? If I loose myself this very minute do you know who would notice, no1!
Chi can play my role and no1 ever notices... but letting her out is a process and right now I have to much "food" for her to "Feed" off of. She could be here for days, weeks.
God I miss being numb, not caring how much someone hurts me because I can't feel it. Oh well, pain lets me know I'm alive in the words of three days grace.
Red the color of blood, isn't it beautiful?
Finally, I can rest without this aching pain in my chest...
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