In the end

Have you just ever felt like no matter how are you try, its not going to make a difference on the out come of things? I mean, looking at myself from 3 years ago to now I can see the change in myself, some for bad, some for the better. I've only had three relationship in my 18 years of walking on this planet, and each on ended in disaster. Loving someone isn't enough, it takes honesty, faithfulness, and commitment.

It starts with one thing
I don't know why
it doesn't even matter how hard you try
keep that in mind i designed this rhyme
to explain in due time
all i know
Time is a valuable thing
watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
watch it count down to the end of the day
the clock ticks life away
so unreal
Didn't look out below
watch the time go right out the window trying to hold on, didn't even know
I wasted it all just to watch you go

Apparently I'm an important person in some peoples life, to the point where they've fallen madly in love with me, and well things have gotten more difficult for me and my healing from my last relationship. Two best friends wanted me, and both ment a lot to me, I wanted them both happy so I tried to balance out each others feelings, big mistake. I ended up in something I'd of rather caught cancer over, feelings, hatred and other bland emotions that caused more difficulty than it was worth. I know how it feels to want someone more than air, and no words in the English language can't describe how much having them in your arms means, but they keep making excuses as to why they can't be with you and can't love you but they won't try either. Using all I had, I tried to make them both understand, but I made insult to injury.

I kept everything inside and even though i tried, it all fell apart
what it meant to me, will eventually be a memory of a time when I
tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall
to lose it all
but in the end
it doesn't even matter

It came down to me hurting one more than the other, I don't know why I felt more comfortable with him but I did, maybe because I once loved him but I had to let go because he was in love with someone else, and didn't want to give me a chance. But that makes another questions stand, why didn't I even attempt to make him happy? He had his chance and he couldn't let go of his ex and he hurt me more than he thought... I guess I'm just to forgiving and I need to stop letting people close to me in ways they wouldn't understand. So I let him get close to me again but not to close if it ever came down to me walking away again I'd be tormented with dreams and feeling like before. Closing my eyes now and looking back on that time years ago still makes my chest sink in, but I don't let it get to me, I did what I had to do.

One thing i don't know why
It Doesn't even matter how hard you try
keep that in mind i designed this rhyme
to remind myself how
i tried so hard
In spite of the way you were mocking me
acting like i was part of your property
remembering all the times you fought with me
I'm surprised that it got so far

So now I only talk to one of them, and well we've become pretty close and its getting more a more diffucult everyday not to fall head over heals. Not because he's all I ever wanted, or all I need, but because he's good to me, and I'm sure he loves me like he says he dose. But it goes much deeper, his resent ex was my first love, and well she's sprung as hell over him, and well I'd prefer they'd be together because I mean, at night when I sleep I put things together. I want to experience new things in a relationship not being compared to her and vise versa. I've heard from his own mouth all the things they've done together, and well I'm kinda jealous because I've never had anyone not one of my exs do anything like that for me, could that be a reason he's so appealing?

Things aren't the way they were before
you wouldn't even recognize me anymore
not that you knew me back then
but it all comes back to me
in the end
I kept everything inside and even thought i tried
it all fell apart
what it meant to me will eventually be
a memory of a time when I

I try to make all my emotion genuine and meaningful but sometimes I get so frustrated I just wanna scream. He makes everything my fault, and still blames me slightly for hurting him when I left on my own attempt to be happy. I don't understand how you can be mad at me for wanting happiness when you had yours, I was alone and you had her but you wanted me there as well, and that's unfair. He probably doesn't realize how much mental pain I went threw in those 5 months. He said he's been in love with me for a while but he was dealing with her to her to give me peace and she became attached. What kinda person would I be to know this and still accept his offering, not to mention I confessed my love to you in the spring of my 16 birthday and you turned my down without a care in your heart then all of a sudden you want me to jump at your confession? No, I was already wanting someone else.

tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
but in the end
it doesn't even matter

I've put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
For all this
there's only one thing you should know

So much pain a suffering I guess all four of us have delt with and it still continues because of some glitch in the cosmos. It just hurts to look at everyone so content with their relationships and when I look back my all ended with cheating, lies, and distrust. I guess I'm asking for to much for another shot at love. I just wanna be held, and taken care of for once something I've never had, ya know? A man to love me and when I look deep into his eyes I can see this love and I'm happy just for that sake. I understand you have to wait for these things but how much longer? I just wanna know what true happiness is while I'm still on this earth. I haven't the slight clue when my heath will become worse and I'm in a hospital bed, I'm in and out the doctor for small thing so they won't escalate into larger problems. I stay stressed because I have something to live up to. It's like drakes song, "I just wanna be successful."

I guess, I should give up loving someone who I'm not meant to be with and gradually move on with my life and TRY to be patient, its so hard sometimes. I try to treat people how I want to be treated but I lose my way sometimes, I'm only human. Looking into the depths of my own trying to sustain my sanity isn't easy, being the last child of my mother legacy I have to be successful in this I won't take anything else in this life.

I guess, I'll just have to keep blogging whenever I feel like I'm losing myself, because I don't wanna be a burden on people more than I have to be, I guess you can call me independent or, maybe stupid. I've been called both before so it really wouldn't matter, I guess.


I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
but in the end
it doesn't even matter