Day 1 of my mission

Even though I'm high, the feeling of how thing are still hunts my mind and emotions... Not only cannot not have his heart, I can't have his body either... She got to it last, marking him as hers each and ever time... He'd of just told me, that I was doing it again, and we just get into a debate at how I wasn't doing I was just was telling you how I feel... I wanted to tell him earlier but he wouldn't overreacted and well a fight would of began...

I dunno how long I can do this, even if I wanna wrap up this and make people happy when I'm not.

Eh, words can't express how much I hate my life...

I always give, give and give but people never get back... In this conversation I told him how I felt and well, I don't think it made an difference.

I hope I made him feel better day if I don't feel any sort of happy emotion, I tried watching True Blood, that worked for a moment... then I was right back to being lifeless, I guess I should watch all 24 episodes that should be a day of a normal feeling.

Well, sitting here looking over at everybody I'm sort of envious, to how they feel, I'm completely sober and even if I was high its not how it use to be. I can still feel, and well it sucks.

I told Koori he could teach me how to draw, because in my thoughts sometimes words doesn't give your mood justice. So, why not. At first I told Flame he could but I'd rather not ya know? To much of having to be around and more love and all that stuff that like to trick me into believing I have hope.

I was a fool to believe I had a chance, they have 2 years of love and relations, they had many firsts together and will always be apart of each other. I've thinking of apologizing to Hikari for coming and ruining her happiness, what right did I have? All this over my own and hopes, I always run back to him, he's a security blanket, I guess but now I gotta grow up and pass it down to someone that needs him.

I wanna be selfish, I wanna cry, I wanna beg but I won't do anything but make me feel more incomplete because I still won't have you...

Him being mine was such a nice thought but, that's all it well ever be, a thought... a dream....

Not once sense he's been over here has he looked like he cared but then again I'm a good actress and I can pretend I'm alright so it just might be my fault, as much as I'm going to want to call him I won't, gotta break it off slow and easy. My dreams and nightmares has been so much more worse than normal but I'd never tell him, I got to let his hand go slowly, so slowly he doesn't even realize it.

Even sitting next to him things don't feel the same, but I'll keep repeating to myself this isn't for me.

I got them together before and they were happy, I put my feelings aside for that I can do it again...

>.>

I guess

So, as I right this blog I get an image of myself chained to a wall and my face is staring up with blood running down my eyes, but I have a blank face and I'm surrounded in darkness with a red dim light falling on me.

But I can't draw it so that was pointless, another reason I didn't want to draw because I get compared to Hikari enough and I don't wanna be compared to her anymore than I have too.

That's what happens when you're in love with to girls at the same-time I guess, you start noticing there similar traits along with the similar bad traits. I really just wanna run, but I promised him I'd try but then again he promised he wouldn't hurt me... well I guess two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left...>.>

Day one of my job I guess is complete, but know I know to act normal so he'll never know when I'm in pain... Back to my old self I guess, hide in front of people but cry yourself to sleep. You'll probably only have to keep this up for 2 months tops Soichi, and you'll be so good at masking the pain when he's completely gone you won't know the difference.

Being single sucks, and whoever says it doesn't is full of shit.

Well time to pretend I'm normal, and be a good hostess.... lets put a smile on that face...