I still don't believethis.

Dear reader,

I've currently been a relationship with my current boyfriend sense February 12, 2010. These days have been field with happiness, and now I know what a meaningful relationship feels like, he REALLY cares for me. Now this is where things start to piss me off. Every sense we've gotten together he's had dreams about death, and destruction of our relationship, himself, and Hikari. (which is his ex) But as of last night, god decided to "bless" his dreams with holy wisdom.

I'm so pissed off, he's known to be the god of holiness and happiness, but I STILL haven't received the happiness shit, nor will he let me. Ever sense I can remember as a child I've wondered why thing had to happen to me. My parents, my illnesses, and a buttload of other things. So now, after 1 1/2 of pratically killing myself in sorrow after my ex boyfriend decided to leave my life, I come into another relationship with this shit.

It's not fuckin fair.

So god, you mean to tell me.

Teya and Brandon can be a happy couple breaking people hearts and moving on with life, but me, who never wanted to hurt a fly can't be happy to save her life. You keep telling me ever sense I was a child to pray and trust you, but when I do this I get nothing in return. I'm only human, I lie, and do petty shit but the more I grow the more you break me. No matter how hard I try, you keep proving to me that my life is meaningless.

As a child I was devoted to you, and you managed to take me away from my happiness and but me into hell, moving me away from the only mother I'd known in my 12 years of life, and putting me with the women that birth me all for what? To see my suffering, my hunger, my pain, my loneliness?

The same with my father, you always seem to show me that everyone I ever wanted in my life never wants me, its all about someone else. My own parents left me, for their OWN lives, I watch everyday, people getting things they don't deserve but here I sit and wait for a shred of happiness. No1 has held me that tight and close, and I could feel there love. I'm sick to my stomach right now, pain is in the back of my throat and you probably don't care.

It's okay for you to make things plan to see, but what about the creatures you created. I didn't asked for this, I never asked for you to create me just for all this pain to build in my chest. Why would you want to see me in pain if you love me so much?

Hikari.

That's all I've heard about this last two weeks, her pain, her heartache. Where was all this to HIM when he broke my heart and didn't give a holy hell? You didn't send him dreams, you didn't punish him from all the heart ache I had to go through. You tell him I left because that was what I was suppose to do. Was it really? I was so desperate for love I made a stupid mistake and eneded up here, but I was suppose to do it. So I was set up for failure is what you've stated right?

The only answer you have for that is, "Everything happens for a reason.", I'm sure.

.....

It's obvious to see, no matter how hard I try you aren't going to cut me a break, but you want me to preach your gospel. Every-time I go to church I hear the same thing, over and over again how god has a calling on your life.

Well I don't want it.

Give it to somebody, that is worthy of your blessing, because I'm not. Someone in constant pain doesn't deserve anything but pain, and loneliness.

You let me come back to him, you saw the turmoil I went through, and then when I finally say "Fuck it all" and love him, and drop my guard you give me this.

How blessed and fortunate I am, aren't' I?

But all you care about is Hikari, and how she feels like I didn't have to do the same thing but I went through it alone, at night, screaming and crying prying, hoping you'd take my life. You never did, you never spoke, and I assumed you just never cared.

I guess this answers it huh, father?

My pleas never got to you, or you read and returned to sender. My life is so in shambles, I just noticed I'm basically failing my math class, and no matter how I try I still fail. You know what, I'ma just sit in the house and do NOTHING with my life.

I just wanna sleep, I feel so sick.

But I'm sure, you'll just turn your back and not care. After all you've got more important people to care for right?