My mornings thoughts and feelings

Well yesterday ended this love triangle, between Hikari, Flame, and myself. He told us that he wasn't going to be with either of us. I guess this will make him stop hurting us or whatever his plan is, I don't know anymore.

I'll I know is I made a choice lastnight, I will never fall in love again, I swear. This has been the worst couple of months ever, and my emotions have been dragged out and sucked on all because you made me love you only to realize you couldn't hurt anyone anymore.

I was high as all hell lastnight, but I wasn't to high where I didn't know when I woke up everything would come back. I feel like someone has shot and arrow through my chest and left it there, refusing to pull it out. I call em, I'll text him no answer, I dunno what to even attempt to do anymore.

All the things he told me only hurt to think about, how much he loved me, how much he missed me when I was away, how much he loves me more and wants to be with me. Well we were together for 4 days before he broke up with me, there goes my whole year. Besides school I don't think I wanna leave the house for a while. It's just whats best for me, I can't depend on weed to make me smile, nor will my friends be any help at this point... most just don't give a fuck so my mouth is closed. I have no1 to talk to about my feelings, no shoulder to cry on, and well it kinda sucks.

I still wanna be close to him but if he does get another girlfriend I'ma going to envy the hell outta her.

She got a chance.

I just wanted one good guy in my lifetime, and all this had to mess that up.

Yay me.

Looking back I realize I never stop loving him I just made excuses to why I had stop because I was still bitter about 07'.

Well, all I can do is lay here, and stare off into wherever.

I've made so many mistakes when its comes to him, and I've repented for them constantly I guess I should blame myself more than I do.

My self esteem has dropped and now I feel low and broken... I guess no matter what I'll be in pain over this. Like I said, how can you be friends with someone your in love with, you're just going to fall in love more and its not fuckin fair.

I would read, but love is in all the books I like. I would write but, I don't have the fever for it right now, I would draw but I can't and everyone else I know does that, so basically I have nothing to do with myself.

-___-


Sex.

Ha, sex. I don't even want it anymore, it all feels like a lie anyway, and when I think of sex with him I'm hurt my chest is in so much pain... Everything was stripped away from me over a dream, and his ex girlfriend whom he still loves.

I hate my life, and if I die oh well I ain't nothing but a pain in the ass anyway obviously...

What am I saying...

>.>

How fortunate for me I have to be alone toady because I can't leave the house, no1 will be around me meaning I'll be alone, and well maybe its best because I know I look depressed but the way I feel now. My eyes are low and sensitive, my body is week, and I don't wanna move, nor do I have an appetite.

I won't eat for a while no1 will notice... that fat on my body will keep me alive.

I wanna see him, I really do but I think that would make it worse for both of us and I doubt he wants to see me so once again, there's that lonely feeling.

Well now we're all in pain and ain't shit we can do about it, I just wish... No point in wishing it never comes true its only a constant reminder of what you don't have.

Oh lookie there....

FML.